Have you ever felt completely hijacked by your emotions? One moment you’re fine, the next you’re erupting with frustration, anger, or overwhelm—especially with the people you care about most?
If you’re nodding in recognition, you’re not alone. As someone with ADHD who spent years struggling with emotional reactivity, I know first-hand how distressing these patterns can feel. The good news? Emotional regulation is a skill that can be developed, even for those of us with executive function challenges.
The ADHD-Emotion Connection
Research consistently shows that emotional self-regulation is a core component of executive function—the set of cognitive skills that help us plan, focus, and execute daily tasks. For those with ADHD, challenges in areas like cognitive flexibility and impulse control can make emotional regulation particularly difficult.
According to Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD researcher, what appears as “overreaction” is often actually a problem with emotional inhibition. In neurotypical brains, there’s typically a pause between feeling an emotion and acting on it. With ADHD, this pause is shortened or sometimes absent altogether.
This explains why you might find yourself reacting before you’ve even had a chance to process what you’re feeling. The emotion arrives and the reaction follows almost instantaneously.
My Turning Point
I remember the exact moment when I first caught myself before reacting. My child had skipped ten math assignments, and I felt that familiar surge of anger rising. But suddenly, there was a pause—a small space between the trigger and my response.
In that space, I asked myself: “Does anger make sense in this situation?”
This simple question changed everything. I realized I wasn’t actually angry—I was scared. I feared that if my child skipped schoolwork, they wouldn’t develop into the responsible adult I hoped they would become. Fear, not anger, was driving my reaction.
Once I named the true emotion, the anger dissipated. Instead of yelling, I calmly stated the expectation that assignments needed to be completed, and asked how they planned to fix the situation. My child came up with their own solution: doing extra assignments each day until caught up.
This small victory became the foundation for transforming my relationship with emotions. Today, I want to share the strategies that helped me develop this capacity—and that have helped countless clients do the same.
Three Powerful Strategies for Emotional Control
1. Name the Emotion
When strong emotions arise, the simple act of naming what you’re feeling creates a powerful shift in your brain. Neuroscience research from UCLA demonstrates that labeling emotions reduces activity in the amygdala (your brain’s alarm system) while increasing activity in the prefrontal cortex (your brain’s rational center).
How to practice this:
- Expand your emotional vocabulary beyond “happy,” “sad,” and “angry”
- Ask yourself: “What am I really feeling right now?” (Fear? Disappointment? Overwhelm? Shame?)
- Say it out loud or write it down: “I am feeling frustrated”
- Once named, ask: “Is this emotion based on something true?”
In the situation with my child, naming “fear” allowed me to question whether missing ten math assignments truly meant my child was doomed to irresponsibility. The answer, of course, was no—which immediately reduced the emotional intensity.
2. Break the Spiral with “Or I Could Be Thinking”
One of the most effective tools I use with clients is a simple thought-interruption technique I call “Or I Could Be Thinking.” This works especially well when your thoughts are spiraling downward, each one triggering stronger negative emotions.
How it works:
- Notice when you’re caught in an escalating thought pattern
- Say to yourself: “Or I could be thinking…” and then offer a slightly better thought
- Make sure this alternative thought is also true, not just positive
- Repeat this process 2-3 times
For example:
- “My boss hates my work and I’ll probably get fired.”
- “Or I could be thinking, my boss had some critiques but also mentioned things I did well.”
- “Or I could be thinking, feedback helps me improve and shows my boss wants me to succeed.”
By the third iteration, the emotional spiral typically breaks, allowing you to step back and gain perspective. This isn’t about forcing positivity—it’s about introducing flexibility into rigid thinking patterns.
3. Process Emotions Through Thought Downloads
When emotions feel overwhelming, one of the most effective release valves is the “thought download”—a judgment-free brain dump of everything you’re thinking and feeling.
The process:
- Set a timer for 5-10 minutes
- Write every thought exactly as it appears in your mind
- Don’t edit, censor, or judge what emerges
- Be as petty, angry, or upset on paper as you actually feel
- After completing the download, review what you’ve written with curiosity
This practice creates a container for difficult emotions, allowing you to examine them without being consumed by them. It’s particularly helpful for processing complex feelings before they build up and erupt.
I often use the “and” technique with my thought downloads. This involves holding space for seemingly contradictory feelings: “I’m furious with my partner for forgetting our plans AND I deeply love them” or “I feel incompetent at this task AND I’m still worthy of respect.”
Moving Beyond Suppression
Perhaps the most damaging misconception about emotional control is that it means suppressing how you feel. In reality, suppression is like holding a beach ball underwater—it requires constant energy and inevitably leads to the emotion bursting up with even greater force.
Research from Stanford University shows that emotional suppression actually:
- Increases stress hormones
- Impairs memory
- Reduces cognitive resources
- Leads to greater emotional reactivity later
True emotional control isn’t about not feeling—it’s about processing emotions effectively so they don’t control your actions. This distinction is crucial, especially for those with ADHD who may already struggle with impulse control.
A New Tool to Try: Emotional Freedom Technique (Tapping)
Recently, I’ve been exploring Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), commonly known as “tapping.” This practice involves tapping specific points on your body while acknowledging difficult emotions and then reframing them.
For my ADHD brain, tapping provides several benefits:
- The physical activity keeps me grounded and present
- The structured format helps maintain focus
- The repetitive nature is calming to an active mind
- It provides immediate relief for anxiety and emotional overwhelm
Apps like “The Tapping Solution” offer guided sessions specifically designed for different emotional challenges, making this an accessible tool even for beginners.
Your Path Forward
Improving emotional regulation with ADHD is a journey, not a destination. The key is practicing these skills consistently, especially during calmer moments, so they become more accessible during challenging ones.
Start with just one strategy that resonates with you:
- Name one emotion daily and get curious about what’s beneath it
- Practice “Or I Could Be Thinking” the next time you notice negative thought spirals
- Schedule a 5-minute thought download before bed
Remember that progress isn’t measured by never feeling difficult emotions—it’s measured by your growing ability to respond rather than react to them.
What emotional regulation strategy resonates most with you? I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments below.
This article is part of my Executive Function Series, exploring practical strategies for managing ADHD challenges. Join me next week as we dive into another crucial executive function skill.
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