All right. Welcome back, guys. I am excited today to introduce you to somebody I’ve actually met two different places in two different parts of the country. I think we met in Scottsdale at a fearless business conference.

I’m not sure I was in Scottsdale exactly, but also, you were an. Well, you were an M.C. in both places, but you are also an M.C. in Nashville. Karen Crabtrees. Business thing, right? Am I wrong? Yes. Yes. Her. Yeah. Her business. Lemme blank on the word no. B as business. Yeah, the no as business like conference workshop. Yes.

Yeah. Yep. Actually got transferred twice. It was amazing. how fun. Okay. And your middle name tell us is Joy. You can’t make this stuff up. Yep, it’s joy. So, Annie. Joy. And what’s your last name? Carter. Carter. And I was just thinking about our interview today, and I was like, her parents knew Joy, because that is exactly when you’re doing that and seeing it is business conferences like you’re learning.

It’s, you know, but it’s a lot and you’re taking in a lot. And then Annie comes along and is like, let’s infuse some fun into this. Yes. And makes us get up and dance and do crazy things. But I mean, I’ll let you introduce yourself in just a moment, but I want to tell people the topic really quickly.

What we’re going to talk about is loneliness. And I think it’s such an important topic that nobody is talking about, but we’ll get there. So can you just introduce yourself, tell us what you’re about, what you do. I love that. Thank you. And it has been so fun to be part of this life coaching world in the sense of I’m meeting all these amazing women like you at these conferences.

It’s just it’s such a beautiful atmosphere. It really speaks to where you put yourself, makes a big difference at who your community is, who you’re spending time around, makes a big difference in your mental health and your, you know, and the joy that you’re feeling in your life. So, yeah, So I’m Annie Joy Carter and I help women overcome loneliness.

So kind of what that entails is and we’ll talk more about this, but really looking at like how you feel about yourself, how you are taking care of your own mental health, how you’re speaking up for yourself, all these things. I also teach at a kindness camp for tween girls in the summer. So that camp is more of a preventative measure, right, to help these girls grow up learning these skills.

And then the coaching and the teaching education I do is around similar practices. But for women, especially mamas, because becoming a mom is such a huge transition, right? But really, I love helping anyone who is going through any major transition of their life that’s making them feel really lonely, whether that’s them getting a diagnosis or their kiddo getting a diagnosis, whether that’s divorce, whether that’s a big move to their place, something that kind of just shifts your world and it creates a space where you have to start over.

I’ve had that experience for me, where with my son getting his autism diagnosis, it kind of created some dissonance between me and some of the people I was around because all of a sudden my world looks so much different than theirs and how to navigate where I fit into my community with having this diagnosis and this different lifestyle, right?

And then getting divorced. I’ve been divorced twice,

but the second time with my baby is getting divorced. That was a whole new ballgame because I lost my entire community. My in-laws weren’t talking to me. All of his friends start talking to me. That was my whole community. And so having to start all over again, like I know what it feels like to be lonely.

I know what it feels like to start over. And so that’s why I feel so passionate about this, because I’ve been in those spaces. I moved to another state and had to start over with friends. Those are all big life transitions where we have to start over. And so I love being able to help women understand that even if there’s new friends, they need to come into your life.

It doesn’t change your worthiness. It’s just a new phase of your life. And, you know, I didn’t even expect you to come from this perspective of starting over, but it makes so much sense for you because you have had the and I just knowing a little bit about you because you’re very open, you share, you know, I think over here just from the first, you know, couple of times I’ve met you, I knew that you had been divorced before.

I knew that your son had autism. I knew that you did the kindness camp kind of stuff. And when I was like, we’re going all in on loneliness, I didn’t even consider starting over. But as somebody that, you know, is having like kids that are nearly adults, it is a sense of starting over. And it didn’t even enter my mind that that’s what’s partly making me feel lonely, is like there is this whole transition.

Yeah. Of, of like, okay, what is life like now? Even though usually the problem with that is, like your relationship with your husband has been, like, thrown aside to raise kids, which is not the case. Luckily, in my case, I’ve known my husband since I was gosh, 12. I know. That’s amazing, but I’ve known him forever. And so there’s like really not a sense of starting over in that way, but in the theme of starting over, where my mind went was like running a business online is really lonely.

Like, although I’m having a conversation with you and you’re fantastic and I’m dealing with clients all the time and they’re amazing people and that’s all great. And we have this whole social media world, but like everybody seems to be lonely. Like everybody seems to be like, Sure, you’re posting online, but you’re not making any real connection. Like how how do people make real connection in this day and age where people are like, Send, I’ve made a connection.

Yeah, right. So true. And you’re right, there is being an entrepreneur is lonely, right? Because especially when you are and we’ve got to call ourselves CEOs because we are, we like, forget that, right? We forget that we’re the ones in charge. And it gets a little lonely feeling like you’re the one that has to make all the decisions and you’re the one that has to, like, make yourself work or whatever.

And even though you may have, like you said, amazing clients, amazing podcast interviews, but those are just like small little bits of your day and the rest of your day, you might be entirely alone, but there is a distinction between being alone and feeling lonely, right? Because we’ve all experienced this, I’m sure where you are all alone. But you feel okay.

But then there’s times you’re with other people that you feel lonely. So I think that we say loneliness. We’re talking about a disconnect, right? Because social media is a false sense of connection. I love social media. It’s a tool, right? But a tool just like any other tool. Like you could take a hammer and you could kill somebody or you could build a house, right?

It’s just a tool, not metaphor. I’m like, I mean, it’s real. You know, you could kill someone. Please don’t do that. I’m not advocating for murder. But, you know, social media is a tool, so it can be used for helping or hurting, right? So it can be great for like, hey, everybody, I’m having this party come on over, you know, or, hey, here’s this beautiful experience that I had and I want to share on a bigger platform to hopefully inspire more people that can be really, really great.

But it’s not a connection. And I think that we have to get clear about is it’s not connection, it’s information sharing. It’s not connection. Sending someone to Happy birthday to you. I just did three of them this morning can also on my social media and my birthdays sending happy birthday send them something awesome. It’s a touch point, but it’s not real connection.

So real connection comes from having real conversations. So whether that’s on the phone, whether it’s Marco Polo, whether it’s in person, but it’s not just having conversation that’s having vulnerable conversations. Like the reason people feel connected to me easily is because I am an open book. Well, and this is an ADHD podcast or as an entrepreneur and you have that and we don’t like small talk like, no, they don’t like service level stuff.

Like tell us the real thing. Like, are we are we talking about nothing or are we talking about something? If we’re not talking about something we don’t want to do it? Have you noticed that? Yeah, I do. That’s very true. And I’m glad you said that because I’m like, sometimes I feel bad that I’m like, cool and small talk can have a purpose, like a minute, but the grocery store line, like, yes, now says, Now tell me your deepest, darkest secrets.

Just like, don’t tell me that. And here’s the thing. Don’t share something you’re not comfortable sharing, right? But if you can just kind of even tiptoe into sharing parts of yourself like, man, I had a really hard time today or whatever. What I’ve noticed, because I have a lot to practice in being vulnerable, right? I do it everywhere and at church and my work and, you know, my friendships.

I just am like, Bluh, here’s what’s going on. And because I’ve had so much practice, I can testify that most people receive it. Well, yeah, most people are like sister, me too, or whatever. Right. Like usually immediately when you said that, my hand was like, Yeah, yep. Me as well. Right. Like, it just it is a connecting for like you can’t deny.

And so I know that’s scary, but just practicing a little bit and I know that is for anyone listening, I’m assuming a lot of your listeners do have ADHD, right? That’s why they’re here. of course. Face of like teach me all the things and I can completely attest to like how tricky it can be sometimes to be open about like the way our brains work.

I think that nowadays we have more exposure and awareness education around someone who has a neuro spicy brain. Yeah, right. There’s more awareness of that. But there’s still going to be some people that don’t know or who have judgments. Right. I’ve had some rude comments said to me about having the brain that I have and my ability to be successful, and that hurts.

I’m not going to lie. Those comments don’t hurt, but it’s learning to work through that and I’m sure that you do. So beautifully with your clients is helping them work through what other people say has nothing to do with you. It’s none of your business. It really is not any of your business. And the truth is, is that when we get so clear on how great we are, I have like this love affair with myself.

It’s not perfect. And I am working on it every day. But I will like, look at myself in the mirror. My girl, I love you like you are slaying today. Like working on my self-worth and knowing that I self worth is non-negotiable whether people come or go in my life. Okay? And I can mourn the losses. Some are living my life, but I’m not adding to that by making it mean that I’m not worth staying around for.

It’s so interesting that you mention like comments about people disbelieving in your ability because of your brain. Because in my brain it’s just like does not compute. Like there’s nothing that we can do just because we have ADHD. Like, yeah, to me, like, I don’t know, I guess I it’s probably my grandmother’s fault, honestly. I grew up with a grandma that there’s this whole big story about how it actually wasn’t my grandma.

It’s, it’s a, it’s a crazy story. I told my husband my surprise. I’m like, I’m like, I am crazy stories. Like, Yeah, yeah. And nobody wanted me to know that it wasn’t actually my grandma was actually my great uncle and my great aunt, and they were amazing. But my grandma just instilled in me, there’s nothing you can’t do, there’s nothing you can’t do.

And so ADHD never made a difference. Like, as far as like, what I could do. And what’s interesting is I think the people attracted to me, the people that are my clients are like, sure, I have ADHD, but yeah, let’s get the stuff done. Like, right? Yes, totally. They want to work with it, not against it. And I love that.

Thank you, Grandma. It’s not Grandma, but Grandma. Like thank you for instilling that belief in you. I think it’s Lindsey Stirling. Yeah, I read her book and she talked about her mom was very good about just like you can do anything, like just supported all of her dreams and it never occurred to her that she couldn’t write,

It speaks so much to the things we say to our children make a huge impact. They just take our beliefs and they just take them as our own. Yeah, you know, and people ask me about like, what do you teach the kids in your camp? Like, how do you help your girls have that confidence about how I where I can talk?

Starting over. They want to know, like what it is you can do to help instill that confidence. Like, well, they’re going to borrow your belief until they make their own. So they’re hearing from you like your grandma said to you, like you can do anything you just bought that you put those lenses on, you’re like, Yeah, thank you for give me these lenses.

You weren’t like analyzing like, Well, does this make sense or is this really true? Kids don’t do that. It was like, okay, an adult said it, therefore it’s true. But also that they say things like, you’re not very good at that, or you shouldn’t do that or whatever. They’re also going to adopt those lenses as well, or I’m not very good at that or Yeah, I’m too fat or I’m too whatever.

You have to be very careful about the stuff you’re saying about yourself or other people because they’re not. I do, yes. 100%. The things you’re saying about yourself as well, they’re just little sponges. They’re just soaking it all up. And listen, we’ve all done dumb things or smart people who do dumb things sometimes, and that’s okay. Like we’re all just trying our best.

I have to stop you right there. Say it again. Okay. Smart people who do dumb things sometimes everybody needs to take that on because it is 5050. Like, it really? Right? It’s like you are not one or the other. You are not black or white. Well, that’s a bad example. But know it’s not. It’s not one or the other.

Like I think it was Jodie Moore who’s like, I’m a good mom and I’m a bad mom, and we’re throwing out all these names. And some of this is like, coach speak. Sure. And I’m sorry, but you can Google Google up. If I were to know who Jodie Moore is anyway. But if not, go Google. Yes, totally. Yeah.

Driving. I remember where I was. I was in Yuma, Arizona, and I was driving back home and she said, I’m a good mom and I’m a bad mom. And I have this whole, like, bad mom story. In fact, I’m starting a podcast with a former client who’s from Ireland who is hilarious. She’s so funny, and that’s why we’re doing the podcast just to have fun.

And it’s because of this whole bad mom story that I have about myself. Because because in my weird life, my mom just laughed at like when I was like two. She just left me and she had her own reasons, I’m sure, but she, like, kind of never came back. And so I didn’t really have that mom experience. And so I have this whole story about being a bad mom and Jodie more sad and talking about borrowing beliefs.

We have ADHD guys, so this is all going to like circle back around and worry about nine tangents and you’re going to love it. Yes. You’re like, you promised loneliness. No, it it’s all part of it. We’re getting there. But I had this whole like, I’m a bad mom, Like I waited to have kids because I’m like, I’m surely going to be a bad mom.

And she said, I’m a good mom and I’m a bad mom. And I was like, That is true. And I describe beliefs like, you have just taken on a handbag, like a purse. You know, somebody has been like, here’s here’s this purse. You’re a bad mom. And I’m like, Absolutely right. Thank you. And I get to decide if I want to carry that around or not.

Yeah, or if I want to put it down. Yeah. And sometimes you just want to put it down. Like, sometimes it’s like not serving you to continue believing this. And that’s where this podcast is coming from of this whole like Too Bad Moms is like so many of us out there and I don’t know what your experience is, but so many of us out there are just like, we’re just screwing it all up.

And what I love to tell my clients, they’re like, I’m afraid I’m going to screw my kids up. And I’m like, Yes, you are. Yeah. That’s part of their mortal journey too, is the stakes you’re making they have to learn from. And that’s going to like that’s going to stab some people in the heart. And I know I’m going to get comments on YouTube where they’re like, I don’t like that you said that, but trust me, there is going to be some way that when they are adults, they’re going to go, Mom shouldn’t have done that.

Sure. Yeah. And that’s where we get to be the emotional, secure people and going, you know what? You’re probably right. Probably for your journey. I shouldn’t have done that. But circling back around, back to connection, I love it. Yes. Like you said, borrowing that belief. So I will offer you some beliefs you can borrow about loneliness. Right. So some of the things that have really helped me to overcome feeling lonely in my starting over, in my, you know, situations where I could have just gone inward and been like, okay, screw everybody.

I don’t want to be around anybody. You know, I’m in too much pain. I don’t want to connect, right? There’s been many experiences where I could have gone inward and I chose to not. One example is when my daughter was in the hospital. She was two weeks old when she almost died and it was a horrendous experience. And in that moment I started to kind of go inward of like, my gosh, this is so painful.

But as I was sitting there, you know, pumping, pumping, pumping because she’s under a paralytic. But I start to pump because I’m two weeks postpartum, right? So I’m in these lonely moments in this hospital. And I, I decided to turn outward and I had this idea to create these, like, care packages for moms who have kiddos in a similar situation where they’re stuck in the hospital for a period of time.

So there was like, you know, extra pair of underwear, a brush, a comb, you know, a note pen, a note pad and a pen and, you know, just little things and maybe an extra change of clothes. There’s a little care package for moms. And I started that project and did it for a few years. I’ve now passed it off to someone else.

But that idea was birthed in a space of feeling a lot of pain and loneliness and wanting to turn outward to create something good out of something hard. I have since been part of lots of autism communities and support and helped other people in that space because I want to create a community, right? So there’s a tendency to want to retreat when we’re in pain, and it’s totally normal to want to do that.

so one of the lies I often see is no one understands me. And while that belief is I can understand where you’re coming from, like, no one understands me. But here’s the truth, is that we don’t have to understand someone’s experience to understand their feeling. There is a thousand different experiences we can have in this lifetime, right?

Maybe you’re not divorced. Maybe you don’t have a child with a diagnosis. But I’ve been able to connect with people in so many places of my life, even if they haven’t had the same experiences as me. Because we connected on telling, disappointed, feeling betrayed, feeling grief, feeling loneliness. Right? I think we can all relate to those feelings because there’s only so many feelings a body can have.

Well, in that belief of no one understands me is going to just create the fact you’re just going to find all the evidence of no one understands me. Like I remember feeling this way, like my my closest friend moved away and I remember like, going to church and being like, I have nothing in common with any of these people.

And and then realizing that’s a me problem. I wanted it to be a them problem. And it wasn’t. It was a me problem. And it’s like, why don’t you have any anything in common with these people? It’s like, well, you’re not sharing with them. You’re not talking to them, you’re not you’re not spending time with them. You’re not connecting with them.

Of course you have nothing in common with these people. Like, yeah, so how much of it I and I don’t want that to be a blame thing. I don’t want people to hear that and go, so it’s my fault. But I know what this takes salt out of the conversation, right? It’s not a fault thing, right? It’s just an awareness piece.

Exactly. Like, if you have that awareness, then you can do something about it. Yeah. And that’s. That’s what I had to realize was, like, I wanted to blame them. I wanted to go. They don’t understand me. And what it really was, was I was just not connecting with them. Yes. And that is perfect. Thank you for saying that, because I think that the perfect antidote to like one understand me is just I wonder, like, having that curiosity.

I wonder what I might have in common with them. I wonder if they could show up for me. We don’t know for sure. And I get that when you’re in a really dark place, you’re not just going to jump to the opposite. Our brains are not going to be like, Yes, everyone understands me. Like our brain will reject a complete opposite belief.

Right? But if we can just crack the door with. I wonder. I wonder if someone could hear me out. I wonder if I could find something in common with them. Because what I have found is if you talk to someone long enough, you’re going to find something in common. absolutely. Listen, if it has to come down to like, we both have ears, we both have a mouth, you know, like you can find something.

And I bet if you talk long enough, you just will. I was actually on a show with a gal just recently on her podcast and she’s younger than me. She’s probably in her early twenties and our mid twenties, and my brain might automatically assume we’re not going to have a ton in common because we are both moms. Great.

But she’s a younger mom, whatever, right? But then as I was sharing my story, she’s like, Well, my parents got divorced and so I’ve experienced like that end of it. And then we’re talking about like birth defects or problems with her baby when she was younger. Like just me opening up about my story, she immediately connected with things that I didn’t know because that’s what I want you to think about, is that you don’t know what their experiences are.

So how do you actually know you have nothing in common with them? Yeah, you don’t. Yeah, it’s so funny because and I think I’ve said this more than once on the podcast so far, but I went to my husband after doing an episode and I’m like, I’m telling so many stories about myself. And he’s like, Yeah, It’s like, Yeah.

I’m like, pretty soon everybody’s going to know everything about me. And he’s like, Isn’t that the point? Yeah, right. Hey, can I? I guess I put that into life, you know, like, isn’t that the point? And I think I’ve gone through a lot of my life just kind of keeping my mouth shut. And and it’s it’s interesting because I almost kind of like, not physically, but like, push my husband in front of me to be like, could you just be the social one?

And like, I will just sit back here and say nothing. And that puts you in a very lonely space because nobody knows anything about you, right? And so there’s no reason to be connected to you. And so you’re lonely. Totally. And I’m glad you said that, too, because it is so true. We’re like, I’m not going to say anything.

I’m going to stay back here. I’m going to stay in the background. I don’t like to be in the spotlight. You don’t have to be in the full front stage spotlight in order to be seen. Yeah, right. And love you that you are somebody that like goes and is seen. I love it. I’m like, give me a microphone.

There’s glitter in my veins. Like, I feel so good about it. But that’s not the only way to be seen. And I’ve actually had to really take a step back and figure out where I am in that space too. Because when I was younger, I always wanted attention because I didn’t feel worthy, you know? And so working through my worthiness believes now I can be on stage and just love that I get to make an impact.

I’m not doing it so I can get everyone’s attention. There is a shift and maybe no one else can see that. But except for me. And that’s okay, because I know that internally, my reason and my motivation for being on stage is such a cleaner and happier energy and it fills me up and makes me feel good, where before I was just grasping for someone to tell me I was worthy and I felt depleted after so now I’m having to know is like, how do you feel after having the experience of of you emceeing an event?

It is definitely not. And just just so you know, I’m sure you’ve gotten this feedback before, but you definitely don’t come away going. She’s a lot. You come away or she needs attention or whatever. You come away with a feeling of She wanted us to feel good. She wanted us to feel motivated. She wanted us like it’s definitely an outward energy, more than a look at me, energy and and so just just to have that feedback, you’re doing a very good job in that area.

Not that you need me to tell you that, but that worthiness is so interesting because in coaching and being coached because I very much believe in being coached and get coached all the time. Right, Right. And also coaching. It mostly comes down to you. I am not enough like, yeah, almost 100% of the time every problem comes down to I am not enough.

And if we can just decide that we are like we are enough, we are worthy. Like I’m sure you’ve, you know, and we’re coached in kind of different philosophies a little bit, but we’re all 100% worthy. Like you don’t get a choice in the matter. You just are right. In fact, if you read the book Worthy by Janie Learn is Lima.

I’m butchering her name, maybe edited out. Jami I know it’s something. Kurt It’s always weird when I reach back for books, but yeah. Okay, so edit back to this. Yes, the book worthy. There it is. It is so good. I love her definition of worthiness and confidence because she talks about that word is the foundation. It’s the bedrock.

It doesn’t change. It’s just there. And her confidence is that house built on top of that foundation because their confidence can be broken down at times. We build it back up or we have confidence in one area but not another area. It’s kind of this continual house building. Our confidence is built. I wanted to mention that earlier when we were talking about confidence, it’s built.

It’s like I’m not confident that I can pick up this cup. Or the only reason I’m confident I can do that is because I’ve done it before or I you know, you know what I mean? It’s a completely different thing. And I think people think they want confidence sometimes. And what they really want is worthiness. Right. Which is why I love that the Jimmy talks about that and makes that such a clear distinction.

And I have read so many books in this world because I’ve, you know, really tried to dive into like confidence and self-love and all the things. And it’s one of the best books I’ve read to make that distinction And to be very clear on what it means to have worth. And it is so, so beautiful. And I anyone who has not read it, go read it.

It is amazing because yes, that self-worth is the non-negotiable part. Yeah. And I love the part in the book and it’s it’s worthy by Jamie Kern Lima for anybody that wants to everybody check it out. It’s it’s a must read but she goes into a therapist, I believe, and she’s like, am I crazy? And like because she wants to, like, do all these things.

And I love having this conversation with you because I look at you in like the nick, you or whatever. How however that went down and you’re like, I’m going to build this thing. I’m going to create. And you’ve built many things and and I’m sure sometimes you’re going in AM I crazy? And what the therapist told her was like, No, you’re just first, you just your first.

And so it’s like, I love that conversation because I think sometimes we can feel like we’re a little much or we’re a little weird or whatever. And it’s like, No, you’re just first. And like, I live in a very small town. Like, you’re in Arizona, right? Yeah. So if you’ve gone to L.A., you’ve come right through my town and you’ve stopped and gotten gas and you’re probably like, This is the only reason this town is here.

But I live in a very small town and nobody does what I do. And it’s like, am I crazy? Like we’re about to have, like a a class reunion, Not for my class, but my husband’s class. I’m little hoarse right now, but we’re about to have a class reunion, and I know it’s going to come up. And what did you do?

Yeah. And people know what I do. And the last time we had kind of a get together, they’re like, I watched your YouTube channel and my I was like, No, I like people that know me, watch what I know, and it’s because nobody does what I do. And so I bring that all up just to say like if you guys are feeling a little weird, like, just embrace it.

Like, embrace it. You are worthy, you are okay. And it’s okay if you’re doing things other people aren’t doing. And that’s kind of her story in that book. She if you guys don’t know, she created it cosmetics. And that is what I’m wearing right now. It cosmetics. I love it. Great foundation but yes, all back to circling all back around to the loneliness piece.

What about oversharing? A lot of people with ADHD are very concerned. There’s being vulnerable and then they’re concerned that they over shared and they’ve made someone uncomfortable. What’s your stance on that? That’s a great question, and I love that. And they’ll be perfect because I also want to talk about like not being for everybody. So I’ll be a perfect segue into that loving and yes, and listen, girl, I have oversharing so many times.

I is just right. So here’s the truth is that is the oversharing a problem? Not necessarily. I think the problem is what we’re thinking about it. We make them uncomfortable. I look like an idiot now. I can’t believe I did that right. It’s all the self-talk after the overshare. Right? But what if you had a moment that maybe you shared more than you wanted to write?

And maybe that’s the distinction is like, is it because I thought it was too much for them or was it too much for me? Like I just wasn’t ready to share that part of myself yet. Right? So I’m in a conversation, you know, I mean, you were hanging out and I’m like, blah, blah, blah, vomit, all these things.

I’m like, I wasn’t quite ready to share those things yet. Maybe you could just say, my goodness, I shared more than I intended to. And I and I don’t want I don’t think you should have to apologize for that. Yeah. Like I’m over apologizing for being myself, right. Or for making mistakes or whatever. Like, just acknowledging.

And maybe if you think it’s too much for them, maybe acknowledging the impact it might have been for them, like, hey, I just want to check in. If the things I was sharing was heavy for you from a place of caring about them, not because you’re trying to excuse away who you are. Does that make sense? Like it’s like that because, I hate you.

You know, I could hear all these things. It’s like, I care enough about you to check in with your emotional state. Not that I’m in charge of it, but I know that I have an impact on people around me. So I just want to check in because I love you. But again, that’s coming from a place of I feel worthy and I feel enough and just checking in on my friend because I care about them or if I shared too much, that’s too much for me.

I’m checking you with me because I love me. I’m like, Annie, is that more than you wanted to share? And maybe it’s a conversation, or maybe it’s just a reality check for you of like, you know what? That might have been too much. Now I know next time, maybe I don’t need to share that much. Maybe I can just journal about that or talk about it in a coaching session or whatever.

Right. Done is done. Yeah. In that piece. Yeah, it’d be done. Girl. The words have been vomited out. They’re out there, so I can’t do that. But there was another place you wanted to go with that. The overshare? Yeah, just about, just the feeling like we’re the not enough piece. What if you’re just not for everyone? And can that just be okay?

I bought myself a shirt. This said I’m not for everyone because while people like you are delightful who like, share the nicest things with me. But here’s the truth. And I do appreciate your feedback of like that. It’s landing the way that I want it to land. Right? And I will take that as a gift and like, tuck it in my little pocket because that means a lot to me that it’s resonating the way I want it to resonate.

But your opinion of me is not changing my opinion of me, even if it’s good, even If you’re like, Girl, you’re so wonderful. I love you and see these things. That’s not changing my opinion of me because I already have one. And my opinion of me is that I’m pretty great and I have great talents and there’s a lot of things I really suck at, but I don’t care anymore.

Like, I just don’t. I just want to pause. They’re like, You guys realize those watching this or watching on YouTube or listening, you can just decide you’re great. You just get to you don’t need anyone’s permission. You can just decide you are. Yep, 100%. Because people saying those things about me still speaks to who they are even if it’s nice things.

You saying nice things to me right now speaks to you having a level of self worth of your own that you can speak kind words about someone else and know that it doesn’t take away anything from you to acknowledge someone else’s greatness. So that speaks to your mental health and your level of security within you that you can give me lovely feedback.

You know what that tells me? Tell you you’re a great person and I will take that feedback and put it in my heart pocket because that’s where I keep all my kind words, because those are things I can pull out in a moment of weakness, of like, am I doing good things? Am I making an impact? You know what?

I have all this evidence to show me that the belief I already chose is true. Yeah, right. But you’re not deciding that for me. I’m not deciding I’m great because, you know, you told me I’m great. I already decided that you’re kind of some evidence to support the belief I already have. It’s magnetized to me because I already believe it.

But if someone thinks, she is too much and she’s obnoxious and whatever, that also does not define my worth. And I know why. If they don’t me, it’s back. It’s full circle because that says something about their uncomfortableness and with them, correct. If they’re deciding you’re too much, it’s because it’s about them. It has nothing to do with you.

It’s about them going, Well, if I did that, I would be too much. Therefore I’m going to decide this person’s too much because maybe they have some resentment around not being able to live their life full out. Right. Because I do have a very loud, crazy energy. I do live my life full out. I am very loud and proud about my who I am, what I’m doing in my life.

And for those who are sad that they’re not doing that, they might look at me and think, I wish I could do that. But then it comes out as a judgment instead. Yeah, right. That’s so interesting. I was just thinking about that. This weekend that, gosh, what was it? I don’t know if it was something I saw, but it’s like the people that wish they were doing what you were doing are the ones that are going to judge you.

It was something along those lines. I’m not sure if I’m saying it word for word, but to some degree, maybe they don’t want to do the same thing you’re doing, but maybe they want just a persona of who you are, but the people that are going to be attracted to you or love you are the ones that are like, I could do that, right?

I resonate with that. That’s a piece of who I am, right? And I’ll have people tell me, like, I wish I could dance like you. I hear that all the time. I’m not a great dancer. I just have zero cares and I just go full out because I don’t care if you think I’m weird when I’m dancing, I just let I.

There’s not one part of me that cares. But when I hear people say, I wish I could dance like you, don’t I tell them, No, you don’t. You don’t need my dance moves. You want the freedom to not care. They’re not care. That is the thing that made me the most uncomfortable at the conferences, I will say, is because I do have cares and that’s okay.

But I didn’t make it mean anything about you. It was about me. Right. But. But that’s what people actually want when they see me doing these things, whether it’s online or in a conference or wherever I’m at, or even just like hanging out with my buddies. And I’m I was just Meghan Trainor last night and I was dancing so hard.

I, like, fell down the hill like a little bit and like, slipped and fell like, a little bit. I did it like, I just don’t want you imagine to be, like, rolling, rolling, rolling down a hill. Like, I just, like, slipped and fell and then almost ran into someone but didn’t, thankfully. But I mean, I just go nuts.

Like people are like, what is wrong with her? And that’s okay. But my point is that you’re not necessarily wanting my dance moves. You just want to feel the permission that I feel to just be full out. And does it have to be in dancing? You just want in your life to feel free to do whatever it is makes you feel really happy.

So I’m giving you a permission slip right now, writing it out. Here it is. Here’s your permission slip that whatever calls to your spirit, it does not have to be dancing. I do think that dancing, even even if it’s not in front of people dancing, is just a way to feel lots of joy. I generally believe that. But if that’s not your thing.

But what is it in your life that you’re like, scared to do? But, you know, deep down, if you did it, you would feel like you’re living your life full out. That’s what I’m trying to give you permission to do. Yeah. And to just circle back around to like, the topic like that might just be talking to people.

Guys, like when when you want to hold back, like going ahead and having the conversation so that you’re not feeling lonely, like it might be having the game night. It might be having people over. Like let’s start dealing with people in real life. Let’s just do that. Yes. And I love that we’re circling back because with it’s like not enough or, you know, these these beliefs.

This is part of what keeps people as well from like from reaching out or or from sharing because there’s a fear there around. If I share too much like we already talked about, but sharing too much or that they’re not going to like me, like if I put myself out there and they don’t like me, we’re so afraid of rejection.

Yeah, and I get it. Our brains are wired to like, you know, to be afraid of that or whatever. And she talks about this in the book worthy as well. I was hoping you were going to say that whole section on rejection, right? That like rejection one is just part of life. But if someone rejects me, they’re just not for me.

And that is okay. There are I can tell you right now, people who do not like the right, like my joke often on stage is while you guys really like me, I’ve got to ex-husband to disagree with you, right? Like there are definitely people who don’t like me to be. They’re my second ex-husband and I. We’ve a much better relationship.

It’s been really beautiful, actually, for us to have a more healed space for our kids. So

that joke doesn’t fully apply anymore. But point is, he decided I was not someone he wanted to be married to, right? Like, I’m definitely not everyone’s favorite. And if I can decide that that’s about them and not about me, it’s a much more healing space.

But what I’m here to tell you is that if you take a step and say, okay, I’m going to reach out to this person, I really like them. I kind of dig their vibe. I have fun together, and you reach out and they’re saying essentially no to you, whether it’s they’re too busy, they’ve got all these excuses. They’re not responding to you.

A look on their face, right? They kind of hesitate or whatever it is. If I can just get one, I want to give you a big hug like compared to I’m going to give you a hug and tell you, mama, like that means nothing about you, right? They just might not have space for you right now. But there are five bajillion humans on this earth.

There has got to be one or two who would be dying to hang out with you. There are websites I was just listening to. Okay. One of my favorite podcasts and I will I’m this is not an endorsement, but it’s called My first million. And they were talking just recently on their Web site about all these websites for lonely people or the lonely Elderly for Lonely.

And some of them were kind of like risque a little bit, but they’re not root brand websites. But the like, the guy like, looked it up as they were having the conversation and he’s like, I don’t think this is for friends. Yeah. Okay. That kind of lonely. Got it. Got it. But there’s you know there’s there’s an industry because and there’s and they were talking about in Japan there are names, different names for certain degrees of loneliness.

And they were talking about this certain percentage of men that do not leave their homes that and that. And can you imagine that like they just do not leave their homes. They order in. They they don’t speak to people like we could get to that degree if we don’t do something about this. And so I think if anything, reach out to somebody like in a real way, yeah, today, tomorrow or whatever it is, like reach out to somebody in a real way for you and don’t worry about being too much or oversharing or and circling back around to like you’re not for everybody.

That’s okay. One of my favorite movies is Pride and Prejudice, and not like the old version. The gosh, the music is from like Ang Lee or something like that. Keira Knightley is in it. Okay, that one. And there is this part where she like, goes up to somebody I can’t even remember. I’ve seen the movie a hundred times, but I can’t remember at the moment.

But she goes up to somebody and she says something or asks them to dance or something and they reject her. I think it was the main character, what’s his name? And I should know these things. I think Mr. Darcy is Mr. Darcy. There you go. There he goes up and and she says something to him and he kind of completely like, you know, he’s kind of a jerk.

Rushes her off. Yeah. And she’s just. She shrugs her shoulders and she walks away. And I just, like, I embody that so much all the time where I go and, like, say something and it just maybe doesn’t land. And I’m just like, Okay, yeah, okay. And that and you’d. But that’s the thing. When you are rooted in who you are, like, your roots are deep of your worth and that foundation is strong, then those other things can’t hurt as much because it’s not actually their rejection hurting you.

And I think that’s the distinction that’s very powerful in this loneliness space is their objections, not actually what’s hurting. It’s what you make of that rejection that it’s your thoughts from like, see, there’s proof. There’s proof that nobody likes me and that no one’s going to ever like me and that I’m the worst person. And spiral spiral spiral spirals, spiral.

All right. But it they have a rejection and we think, well, I’m not for everyone. Then that rejection doesn’t have the same stain because of the way you’re looking at it. And I’m not going to sit here and tell you this is an easy process, Right? Okay. I have spent years working on this. I didn’t wake up one day and be like, Girl, I’ll love you.

Like, that was not the case for me. I attempted suicide age 20. I’m now almost 42, and it’s been a very long journey to learn to like myself. And those thoughts still come back. There are times that I’m still like, Yeah, everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. Those thoughts will still come, but I’ve gotten better and better and better at karate, chopping out like, well, that’s a lie because I have all this stuff to prove that that is not true.

And if you’ve ever had those thoughts, one, I see you and I hear you. And secondly, I promise you, it’s a lie. There is nothing you’ve done in your life that’s so bad that we’re better off with you. Not here. We are absolutely better off with you here. And so if there are people that don’t like you or that reject you, please know that that means nothing about you.

And another piece of advice I would give to that I often have a client says they’ll say they see these groups of people and they are feeling left out of this group and they want to be in this group so badly. And I’ve had those feelings before too. And I have this awakening around groups because people will say, they’re so cliquey, they’re so cliquey, let’s get sad so much.

Yeah, all the time. And here’s the thing. And I used to say it too, but I stopped and here’s why. Because think about it, we are all humans with limited resources, right? Our time our energy, our money, all these things. There is a certain number of hours in a day. How we execute those hours makes a difference, Right?

But there’s only so many hours in a day and only so many humans we can have in our close inner circle. Especially as moms, you don’t have the bandwidth to have 95 close, personal best friends. It just doesn’t work. Right. And so when you see a group of people that have found their kind of common ground and found their interests and found the site cohesion and listen, there might be people that are being rude and clicky.

I’m not saying that your experience isn’t valid. What I’m saying is that maybe you could transform that into do I really want to be part of their group or do I just want a group? Yeah, right. Because I’ve had several people tell me like, I see these groups of friends and I want to be part of that and I feel left out.

So I’m trying to get in. I can’t get in. Only so many people can sit at the dinner table. You know, it’s it’s not necessarily always this place of exclusion. Sometimes it’s just a place of how can we have I want to take the whole world in my arms. I do. I want to give everybody a giant hug and let them be in my space.

But I don’t have the bandwidth. Nobody does. But I promise you, there is already 9000 people in your city or your area or whatever that are feeling the same way. So you guys create your own group and like you said, you’re not crazy. You just the first. So you might be the first one in your space to say, I don’t know any of you, but can be my friend or whatever.

And I know that takes something. I’m not denying that that’s hard, especially if you’re an introvert or whatever. But listen, maybe just one person is enough for you. And it absolutely can be, because we don’t need 95,000 friends to feel worthy. I used to think I used to try to collect every friend on the planet because I wanted to just feel good about myself and I just like people.

And so I wanted everyone in my corner, you know, like, you can be my friend too. But then I realized I can’t. I can’t have everybody be my close friend. I mean, if we’re being honest, it’s not fair to them either. No, because I can’t give them much of my time. I’m like, well, you can have one hour a month because that’s a lot for you, right?

Like, and there are other people that I love dearly and we just have tiny touch points here in there or on Facebook or I come on their show, right. Like whatever. And they’re part of my community and I love them. But there’s only so much space for like people I’m talking to on a regular basis regularly hanging out.

So if you’re seeing those groups and thinking, I feel left out, can you turn that around to say, I just want the concept, I don’t need to be in their group, I just want a group? So what can I do to create my own space of a couple of ladies that I feel connected to that are like minded and you don’t have to have the exact same interests.

Like I have friends in my church community. They’re 85 years old. You know, she’s in a far different place than I am. She’s a great grandma and I am a mother with no grandkids. Like we’re not in the same space, but we can find other things to connect on. And so it’s just creating space for people that fill you up, that are emotionally safe, that people that are cheering you on and getting clear on that is important too.

And I actually have a freebie that we can have a link to for your listeners. But it’s three steps to overcoming loneliness and it’s these journal prompts to kind of guide you through how to create a community that works for you and you don’t have to already have one. You can be like, I have no friends. Okay I promise you, if you’re following these steps to a tee, you will start attracting the right people.

Because if you’re just putting out your weirdo bat signal, people are going to come. You know, as I have Batman here, she has the Avengers behind her, which makes me very happy. I love Avengers so much. Well, I guess I guess technically Batman’s not Avengers, so I love you for Heroes will say that. I love superheroes, too. Yes.

When you throw up your bat signal of like, this is my flavor of crazy, who wants in, you know? And you’re not literally saying that, right? But like I, for example, I go to fitness. It’s a basically hit training choreographed to music. If you’ve never been, it’s so much fun. I love that. It’s amazing. And I go at least twice a week, if not more.

And I have certain classes they go to because they’re my community now. I went because I love the teacher and then I just started being my brand a weird and just, you know, I krump it out when I forget a move or whatever, or I am on the floor rolling around like an idiot and it’s fine. But the people that are like, heck, yes, they they will come up to me after class.

They’re like, I know I don’t know you, but you’re just so fun and I want to know you. And I’m like, okay, cool. Because I did it. Like ask for them to do that. I just was myself. Granted, you do not have to be a weirdo and dance on the floor to attract new people, but we all have our own weirdo about signal.

Everyone has your own bat noise and that might be you’re someone who is kind impatient and serves quietly and you show up with the treat. Or you just ask someone how they’re doing. Like your version of like, what are your offerings for the world? How are you showing up? Everyone has their own strengths, and when you’re clear on who you are, what your strengths are, and what you have to offer to the world, you’re going to attract the right people.

I promise you will do well. And one thing, and I want to be I want to be conscious of your time because we are over just a little bit. But one thing I kind of want to bring this all back to, and maybe this is the only child in me, like I have a step brother and sister that are lovely.

But I grew up as an only child for quite some time. There was times that I was very happy alone and not as lonely like you can also be, but you have to be happy. And in that space, like you can’t if you’re alone and unhappy. There’s a difference between being alone and happy with yourself. But that’s just to say, Don’t do that all the time.

Just be okay with that when that is the case. And also, let’s follow all these steps. Let’s right now, let’s reach out, let’s connect. And there is time and space and seasons for stillness and quietness and also just being on your own. And as a major extrovert, I used to always just run to other people. And as I’ve learned to heal and to be okay with myself, I will crave my own quiet time.

Now I crave time alone because it will re-energize me in a certain way. Being around people also energizes me, right? But I have a balance now. I know when I’ve had enough people time and now it’s time for me to be alone, to be in my own thoughts, to work through things, spend time with God, you know, to be with just any.

And I think that that’s important distinction to make. Yes. Have that connection and have that space and do the work to feel completely not completely, but have a sense of contentment and peace by yourself. Yeah. And again, that comes to your headspace because when I’m all alone and that happens often for me, my kids, their dads, half the time, so half the nights of my months, I’m sleeping by myself because my kids will love to come get in my bed when they’re here.

But I there’s no one in the house. I am completely alone. One piece of that is that for me, I subscribed to God like that’s a channel I subscribe to and I feel like a heavenly presence always with me. So I always feel that I’m never alone because I have this, you know, greater divine purpose that’s with me.

But in addition to that, it’s what I’m thinking when I’m by myself. Am I thinking, man, I’m all alone. I’m all alone. No one’s with me. And there’s something wrong with that. That for some that pain comes in, right? I call that encouraging. Making it a problem. Yeah, making it a problem. And is it actually a problem?

Not necessarily. Right. Can This be time and space for me to pursue interest that I love. I also I just did a real recently on my Instagram to show like me recharging laying down, going for a walk, reading a book because often people will see me dancing on a boat or doing crazy things and they’re like, You have such a crazy life.

And I’m like, That is like, I don’t know, 20%, you know, that’s one chunk of my life going to concerts and, you know, being the emcee and all the stuff that is one chunk of my life. But there are plenty of hours where I am all alone doing things that are quiet by myself. And I’m okay with that.

But there’s it’s not always this glamorous lifestyle that I’m partying all the time. And, you know, being on, you know, crazy things all the time. But I think it’s their mindset. If I’m alone by myself and my thinking, I’m all alone because nobody likes me and no one will spend time with me is there. We are also even I have times where I reach out and ask people to hang out.

They can’t. And so then I’m alone for the night because nobody had the space that night. And that’s okay. So it’s again, that mindset and my thinking, wow, no one likes me, no one wants to hang out, me or my thinking man, I love my friends and it’s okay. They’re busy tonight and I’m still okay.

So, yes, but spending that time alone is also just part of the journey. And it’s okay but it’s finding the balance for you. Because I might need less alone time than someone else. Yeah, but finding the ratio that works for you. But don’t spend so much time alone. Like you said, you’re not putting so much time alone. Like you’re just getting into this negative headspace is like, make sure you’re reaching out and having that connection.

But whatever is the most fueling for your soul and this might be helpful. I know, I’m sure I’ve talked about it, and maybe I haven’t. Maybe I’ve only talked about it with clients. But as a person with ADHD, I have an important people contact list because out of sight, out of mind, even with the people that you love, can be a thing and don’t make that a shameful thing.

It’s just the way maybe your brain is wired and maybe not all ADHD ears, but even me, like my adult son, I could go in. It sounds terrible, like to say, but I could go like two weeks without. Go without going. Gosh, I haven’t even texted. And he’s doing his life, so he’s not worried about it. Yeah. And so like an important people list could be a good tool for people as well.

Like have that somewhere you can see it where if nothing else, you are shooting them in text and just being like thinking about you. Love you, right? Hope you’re like, I love you bring up Tool because that’s something for me to like. I have calendar reminders, I’ve got alarms, I’ve got all kinds of things because you’re right out of sight, out of mind.

It’s not I don’t care. I just will get wrapped up in thinking about heaven even knows what. But I’m in this rabbit hole of my own brain and then be like, shoot, I forgot it. Someone’s birthday or whatever. Like, like you said, there’s no shame in having those tools available. My friends make fun of me because I have so many alarms that go off every day just for parenting.

You know, feed your children, put them in a shower, make sure they get their meds. Like I’ve been giving my son meds for years now. You’d like to think that every night I’m like, time to give meds. Listen says it’s not the case. I will. Sure for sure. Forget the alarm does not go off. So I still have those things put in place to support my brain because I love myself.

I love that you bring this up because I think this has also only come up with clients where when I’m working with them on their time management, I’m like, No, put everything on the calendar. And they’re like, What do you what do you mean? And I’m like, My calendar says, Get dressed, put on makeup. Yeah, whatever you need everything.

And once I did that, once I created these, like, ridiculous routines and people think I shouldn’t have to do that. Well We’re not saying that you’re brain dead or you’re completely forgetful or whatever. Your brain is just wired differently. And what’s probably really happening is you are, like you said, going down the rabbit hole of something fantastic and you just aren’t focused on the boring stuff like other people.

So you have to have these tools in order to get the boring things done. Yeah. And it’s okay and assess what you need because maybe one person needs like get dressed all the things and I need give meds, feed your children, you know, and maybe that’s not a problem for you. You never forget dinner or whatever. Find the things, the weak spots for you and just honor yourself because that’s what they we talk a lot to.

In my camp with my girls is we all have strengths and we all have things we need support in. I don’t even love referring it to as a weakness. I like saying, what do I need support in? And I always tell them I’m bad at math, so I use it calculator support me, I’m bad at directions. I use a GPS to support me.

Right? I have these calendars and alarms to support some of the things. I forget some things for whatever reason. I don’t forget there’s some random appointment that I tattooed on my brain and even if it wasn’t on the calendar I would remember. But then they’re like daily tasks. I’m like, Shoot, do that again. Whoopsie. Like taking vitamins for some reason or the love I cannot remember every day.

You want me do that every day. That’s too much. Anyway, so it’s just acknowledging where you’re at. Give yourself those reminders and I’m going to put a plug in for scheduling your fun. Yeah, if that’s hard for you. Like if you’re like, yeah, I want to have fun, but I’m too busy. Listen, Mom, you’re. We’re all busy.

We’re all busy, so that’s not excuse anymore. I’m taking that excuse away from you. You’re going to scheduling your fun and make sure. And if that’s a puzzle, if that’s, you know, going to target 25 minutes, that anyone around you, whatever it is. But put that on your calendar, too, because that can also get lost in the wayside, because I think that plain fun is vital for, overcoming loneliness.

Because even if you’re by yourself, if you’re doing something fun that you enjoy, watch, you’re not feeling lonely because you’re doing the thing you love to do. Exactly. When I get your fun, when I get my clients, like, dialed in with their time management, that’s what I say. And so now how are we going to add in the fun?

Yep. Perfect. That has to be schedules in some sort of way. Whatever it everybody’s unique. So whatever sort of system that is for them, it is like, no, create the time or fun. And what does that mean for you and how are you going to refill your cup now that you because everybody’s so worried about being productive and it’s like, that’s all I can dig to do it.

I get it. It’s all good. But yeah, all right. So I don’t feel like we got a good enough plug for your, your, your system here. So give us a link or something. Okay. So If you go to any joy-con, they’re right there on that home page is signing up for three steps to overcoming loneliness. And again, it’s these journal prompts to get you clear on where your circle is right now, what you want from that circle and how you can create it.

So there’s multiple questions in kind of each category to get you to deeper dive on what you’re looking for, because maybe you’ll get clear on. Here’s the strengths I’m looking for from someone. What does support look like to me? Because that might look different for me than for you, right? So when you get really clear on those things, you get very intentional about what you’re looking for.

It will guide you in much better action steps to create the community of your dreams. They exist, I promise, and you might end up with more than one. I now have multiple communities, which is amazing, but I also have boundaries around my communities, right? Like my hyphen is community. I’m not always hanging out with them outside of my fitness, right?

Like sometimes that overlaps and that’s wonderful. But oftentimes it’s just that’s kind of the space for that. And that is okay. But you might end up with different communities, with different spaces in your life. And I’m telling you, it will open up a whole new world. Because if I can figure it out, I promise you can too. So over on any joy-con is where you can find that freebie and get on my email newsletter.

And my Instagram is Annie Joy. Dot speaks and I share lots of content on there as well. Just tips and tricks, ways to just be silly, have fun, how to communicate better, how to support your mental health, all the things that will help you feel less lonely. Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Annie. I really appreciate it. I’m glad we finally got together.

I kept burgener just a little bit is totally fine, because guess what? It was something that got off the calendar and then blew out the brain. So this is why we have to have friends who love and they support us in. by the way, be meeting. I need your attention. Right. Because and I know because you understand ADHD.

I know that it’s like, hey, girl, I’m excited to talk to you. Not like how dare you not get back on my calendar, right? It’s like, Nope, you know what? It was sort of on there. And then it fell off and then it was out of my brain. But here we are, and I’m so grateful for you. I just think what you’re doing is amazing.

thank you so much. I appreciate you coming on.