All right. Welcome back, guys. Today we are meeting with Richard. I’m going to let him introduce himself. This is part of the series that I am doing where people have raised their hand to be coached. And you will notice through this call, it’s it’s coaching. Consulting really is what’s going on, because we might we might offer Richard some tools or set up some strategies for him.

And then we are also doing the mindset work. So Richard, can you introduce yourself? Yes, my name is Richard Ebner. I am a 46 year old who lives here in San Antonio, Texas. I’m a caregiver for my father, who’s 88 and primarily I’m a songwriter, musician. And I it’s it’s what I do. It’s my passion. But other than that, you know, in order to make ends meet, I’ve worked in call centers, things like that.

But for the most part, I’ve always been, you know, very into creativity. So things like, you know, short story writing, things like that as well. I’m a big fan of literature, and for me, I was first diagnosed with attention Deficit disorder way back in, I want to say probably like 88, 89. That was probably like 11 or 12.

So, you know, even back then, I feel that we’ve come a long way since then about just, you know, so much about learning about how ADHD minds work, maybe new treatments, things like that. But for me it’s always been a big struggle. I’ve always compared it like I once told somebody that it’s like having your left arm, your left arm and your right leg tied behind your back.

It’s trying to live that way and trying to do stuff because it’s very difficult. And, you know, unfortunately, I you know, over the years, I had, you know, kind of resorted to like substance abuse, self-medication just because of all the the emotional things that go along with getting frustrated from not being able to to have kind of a neurotypical mindset.

You know, there’s so many things that a lot of times we want to do that we just feel, you know, it’s it’s really hard for us to do because of the way our minds work. And so lately I’ve just really been I’ve been trying a lot more to be a lot more sympathetic towards my mind, not, not kind of be as, you know, like, I have my mind is like this and it’s always going to be a struggle.

And I hate my mind. I realize that this is how my mind is and it’s just now it’s a matter of focusing on on trying to do things that that will help me, you know, various techniques, any kind of just little things that can help me out and make it easier. You know, I know I’ll always have ADHD.

I’m definitely one of those people who never, ever got any benefit from medications. I just the medications don’t work. I’ve tried all the non stimulants and everything, so I realize now it’s got to be more of an organic thing. So for me it’s important to do that. And you know, I want to be able to do that. You know, I’m 46 and, you know, I’ve I’ve it’s been a struggle, you know, like I said, holding me back my whole life.

But I feel that now that I can address it and and kind of make it, you know, an important thing that I can really focus on, that I feel that, you know, I can take over, that if I’m able to learn different things, it’s just going to make my life a little bit easier, you know? Yeah, very good.

Very good. Okay. And we were speaking a little bit before I hit record. And one thing that you mentioned that you wanted to work on was the emotional dysregulation, time management and task initiation. And are you currently working? You said sometimes you do call centers. I know you’re caring for your father. No, not right now. I’m certainly not working.

Okay. And so your time management is around. What? Well, that’s the thing. So it’s really it’s one of the things about my time management that’s so odd is I find myself for using the new I guess it’s a new colloquialism called Bed Rotting, which is laying in bed and not being able to kind of get started on things.

So I do that a lot. It’s very difficult. You know, my father, he’s for the most part is, I would say about 90% independent. You know, I do little things. But, you know, throughout the day, I just it’s very hard for me to, like, start things, finish them, you know, things like that. And I just find myself just being really like, just I’ll be like watching YouTube or whatever for hours sometimes, you know?

And it really that causes a lot of frustration, a lot of guilt. So for me, time management would be like, I would like to be able to have, you know, maybe a like a schedule based on, you know, how when I wake up, I’m going to do this at this time and then I’m going to do this at this time, kind of like a, you know, kind of like a schedule for the 24 hour or 12 hours that you’re awake.

And I’ve actually looked at some of these online. There’s actually been some interesting little online worksheets that that are, you know, like a 12 hour thing that you can kind of fill in, you know, okay, at this time, I’m going to get up and eat breakfast from here to here. And then after that, I’m like, you know, I want to, you know, check emails, things like that from this time to this time and just have more structure throughout the day because a lot of times it just feels like it’s there’s just a lot of wasting time for me and that that’s a problem.

So yeah, yeah. And I I’m hearing you say routines are what you did that was that was the biggest thing for me. I’m just I’ll share with you personally. When I was trying to learn to manage my time, I came across, I believe it was a psychologist where he said, you can’t be mentally healthy without a routine. And I really looked at my life and I was like, Do I have routines?

Like we have routines as humans, Like we will we will tend to do the same thing every day, even if it is, you know, laying in bed or watching YouTube or that kind of thing. But yes. So I can see how that would be very emotionally disregulated. You’re probably a little bit upset with yourself every day, is that correct?

Yeah, I just there’s a lot of there’s a lot of shame and guilt just for feeling of how there’s so much that I could be doing that I’m not doing and that it, you know, towards the end of the day, there’s just there is a lot of kind of this shame and like, you know, I just wasted the whole day, you know, and I could have been, you know, doing these things.

I have done a little bit better with the recently because I have been trying to be more mindful within the last. I just started this within the last three or four days, really trying to hone in on my mindfulness skills. And it it helps a little bit. And I’m trying to I’m trying to like spend at least an hour and a half, 2 hours each day working on, you know, music stuff, you know, no matter what time it is, but trying to, like, make it at least 2 hours each day, you know, so and then an hour over here and then another 30 minutes.

But for me, I feel productive. Like I’ve actually gotten something done. it is very hard for me to do that if I don’t have any kind of a structure. And one of the things that actually my own mother always said, and I think it’s probably very true for ADHD in people, is that when we have like these structures, it really helps us a lot and one of the things of, of having a structure is full time job, you know, and it’s been very difficult to kind of do that with being a caregiver.

But when I have been able to do it by being my father’s caregiver for the last three or four years, there has been a lot more. It’s been a lot easier for me. The day seems like I’ve accomplished something by working 8 hours. You know, I’m making an income, so then I feel a little bit more fulfilled. So when you’re when you’re just like a caregiver and you’re just here kind of in case you’re needed, it’s very you find it very hard to start things and finish them.

That’s when the the shame and the guilt and that kind of stuff starts coming up. Yeah. So let’s go back to the last time you weren’t able I don’t know if we’re using weren’t able, but you didn’t get out of bed when you hoped you would. One important thing with ADHD and nobody likes to hear this, but I’m going to say it, we really need to be going to bed the same time every day and getting up the same time every day.

What is your experience with that? Actually, that is pretty, you know, my sleep pattern. The only thing I would say that’s kind of probably not great about my sleep pattern is I probably sleep too much. I know I do. And I, you know, because I do suffer from depression as well. But for the most part, I, I do go to bed around the same time each night around 9:00 and try to get up around 9 a.m..

And you know, the 12 hours I sleep. It’s a lot of times I think it is probably based on depression. I’m just, you know, just just wanting to go to sleep because, you know, when you have depression, you want to sleep a lot. But I have noticed that whenever I do have a shorter amount of time sleeping, like, say, instead of 12 hours, like 7 to 8, and I’ve tried to do that continuously, like maybe go to bed at nine or ten and wake up at seven or eight, you know, the next day or six even.

You know that when I do that, it’s I feel like I, I feel a lot better. I feel a lot more more energy and even also probably more like just ability to focus and things like that. So it’s hard to do though, because, you know, you get lazy and you think, you know, trying to do it each night, it you know, I’m going to go to bed at 11 and get up at 7 a.m. You know, it’s it’s been very difficult.

So that’s why I would say, like whenever I have had jobs, I would that would actually work out the best way. Because if I worked at like 8 a.m., I would go to bed at like 11 or 12 and I’d have my whole thing where I’d get up at 7 a.m. and just get ready to go to work, and then I’d be good.

But, you know, when you don’t have a structured thing, it’s kind of it’s you’re, you’re not it’s not as easy to to set those kind of schedule. Okay. We we’re going to talk about what an ideal morning routine would look like for you. And I don’t want this to be what you think other people are doing or what you think would be the perfect thing to do.

I just want it to be something that’s going to feel good to you. So we will talk about that. But the first thing I want to do is let’s make a commitment to reducing that sleep just a little bit. And were we working long term? This is a this is a one time session, right? But where we working long term, we would keep going back to that and kind of pushing it back, pushing it back.

But I just want it to be something reasonable for you right now. So if we were to reduce that sleep a little bit, what time could you get out of bed? easily. At 8 a.m.. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Feeling even if you’re feeling down, would that work? 8 a.m.? Yeah. Yeah. Because a lot of times I just, I would, I end up forcing myself to get up and, you know, if I do have a little bit of depression in the morning, I find that as, as I get up and do stuff, it tends to kind of go away.

So, okay, I know we’re making a commitment here today to start doing 8 a.m.. If that becomes challenging, let’s do 830 and then we’re just going ten. You’re going to on your own push it back to what works for you. Now with this morning routine, we want a good reason to get out of bed. What would be a good reason and what is something you could do every day that you could kind of jump out of bed for?

What would that be? That’s a good question. Well, you know, now that it’s still pretty hot down here in south Texas, but in the past, I have done pretty well with doing my exercise routines first thing in the morning. So usually, like any kind of hiking or I usually do like an hour hyper on the the neighborhood. And now that it’s actually it’s still hot during the day, but in the morning it is still very it’s nice.

It’s got nicer and a lot less humid. So that time of the day would actually be perfect for getting up and hiking. Okay. Yeah. So getting out for a walk or hike, any obstacles to that that you would her see? No, the only thing would be if. Well if if I ended up getting a new job that had a morning schedule where I’d have to to kind of tweak that or if there was any kind of like a doctor’s appointment that my father, you know, needed to go to or something like that early on.

Okay. And that’s not going to be super often, Right? Well, the job, you know. Yeah. And the job, you would just adjust. Yeah. And plus you’re you’re putting structure in your life with that job as well. Okay. So exercising first thing, what would happen after that. So then I would kind of come back, I would, I would work on things that need to be done that I would find to be important.

So that would be like, checking emails about, you know, various things. Like right now I’m kind of, I’m, I’m having this situation with a debt creditor that, you know, they, they want, they wanted me to they’re kind of well, they’re suing me I guess, but I’m working with them to do it. So one of those things where, like, it’s kind of an important thing, you know, that I always like to take care of important things first thing in the knock them out.

So any kind of thing that like that I have to to work on and make a phone call, you know, or wait on hold for. And then also things like commitments that I make to other people. For a lot of times I prefer to do those in the morning. So like, you know, whether it’s to help my mother out with her yard or, you know, help a friend out with something they need.

I always tend to like to do that in the morning, sometime like in the later part of the morning. Okay. So yeah, how much time would you give it? Something like that? Usually I would say at least a couple of hours. Maybe 2 to 3 hours. Yeah, because I do like to. I like to knock stuff out, you know, when I can.

And then the thing is, is I’d like to be able to use the rest of the day for, you know, other things that are, you know, the most important things like music and, and composing and stuff like that. We were going to get to that. Yes. Yeah. Okay. How are your meals? Are your meals pretty regularly scheduled? Yeah, they are.

I’ve, I’m on this new medication called BLT. It’s an antidepressant, and it’s got this interesting side effect where my appetite has been reduced, which has actually been kind of good because I’m losing weight by about £10 in the last six weeks. So I do find it very difficult to eat in the morning. But I do know that a lot of people tell me you really should try to eat first thing in the morning, but a lot of times I’ll just go until the afternoon and I usually eat maybe around two or 3:00 in the afternoon, and that’s usually like my main meal.

So it’s, you know, if it’s something like a sandwich and chips or like spaghetti or something like that, it’s usually my biggest meal and then I usually don’t eat for the rest of the day. It’s usually about once a day. Okay. A lot of people do like the one meal a day thing. Very good. Okay. Music and composing.

Where does that fit in your day and how long does it take? Well, that’s the thing, you know, since this I will be honest in this because I think it’s important that it used to be towards the end of the evening. And unfortunately, it would always kind of have something like, you know, alcohol involved. There’s always be some kind of substance involved to kind of to kind of get the creative juices going.

Now that I’m not doing that anymore, I still like the evening, you know, for that time for things like, you know, playing guitar or working with a keyboard or something like that. For me, the evenings have always been the best time for me. I think I would say like concentration, focus wise and emotionally for whatever reason, I’ve always I’ve just I thrive more after seven, eight, 8 p.m., you know.

So I just it’s, I’m able to just do things a lot more, let are better and then probably, you know, I would say in the late morning and the throughout the day is when I have a lot more struggle with focus and things. So I would say that music and any creative stuff is probably I would like it to be more towards the evening time.

So six or seven maybe. Okay. If this was your morning routine and you were, you know, helping out your father throughout the day as needed and you had your music and composing the evening, what’s missing? Is there anything missing from your your day to day? Really? Not much. I mean, you know, point my life. You know, I’m not married.

I don’t have kids or anything like that. So it really, you know, being a caregiver, you’re kind of just here in case something happens. And so it’s but at the same time, you know, so we have like that morning, you know, I kind of like I have the morning an idea of what the morning would look like. And I have an idea towards the evening and then that middle time, I guess that’s where I kind of struggle a lot because there’s not, you know, I don’t know what to be doing.

I don’t know whether I should be, you know, you know, maybe part of me is kind of thinking about going back to school. So maybe, you know, looking at that or, you know, well, one thing it’d be taking my dad to probably doctor’s appointments because they’re usually in the afternoon. So usually about an hour or two is filled up with that.

But then there’s a good chunk of 3 to 4 hours that, you know, it’s not that they’re just there for for anything. So yeah, so it sounds like you’re feeling kind of untethered when you don’t have like a doctor’s appointment to take your dad to or something like that. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, that would be great way of putting it.

Okay, so what are some goals that you’ve had maybe previously or you have currently that you could be working towards? Are That’s a good question. Well, you asked the most important thing right now for me are anything else in my life, aside from the basic things like being you know, trying to stay healthy physically and working on my mental health is to perform more life.

I’ve always struggled a lot with that. I’m a very, very it’s very hard for me to perform life and it’s very hard to get the motivation to do it because I’m overwhelmed with so many negative thoughts. And it’s just it gets to be so overwhelming. So for me, that is probably the most important thing right now, because I do feel that you know, so many people, my family and everybody always tell me, you know, you’re so talented and everything, why don’t you perform live?

And it’s kind of hard to explain that to people when you have things like major anxiety. You know, it’s not everybody is just able to get up on stage and just do it, you know, and just be like Mick Jagger or something, you know, or use the one on YouTube that I commented on your video inside of how come we can’t see you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was me. So I was I was looking at my followers and I came across your, your video where you were doing music, but it just had an image up and I kind of had an inkling that you were kind of hiding behind the image. So. Yeah, yeah, that’s always been a big thing because to me, I really feel that if I can, if I can do performance, that’s going to open so many doors for me in terms of just like, you know, being able to make a living off of it, maybe make it, you know, as a, as a central, you know, means of, of income and really make it my

livelihood, which is of course, what I like to do. So what are your opportunities in your area or near area for performing life? Where could you do? Well, there are quite a few. There’s a lot of places here. There are a lot of like little bars and little coffee shops that I know that if I were to reach out that I could schedule some kind of, you know, get in there to play like an hour, hour and a half or whatever on certain nights.

We also have quite a lot of San Antonio’s a real big city, so we have a lot of places that do open mic nights, you know, where people can come and perform, you know, things like that. So there’s a lot of opportunity for sure. Okay. So let’s talk about your tasks in the afternoon around this. And then I want to jump into the mindset piece so that we can get rid of some of that anxiety and overwhelm that you’re feeling.

It’s caused by you’re thinking, right. There’s some thought. I mean, of course, for anybody watching, you can relate to what Richard’s saying, where it’s like getting up in front of people can be scary, right? There’s that piece. But it sounds like it’s a little bit deeper for you. Is that right? yeah. It’s it’s way, way deeper. For me.

It’s the word, but we’ll get there for sure. But there’s part in the afternoon where you’re feeling kind of untethered and you’re not sure what to do. One task I can see that can happen maybe before lunch or after lunch. You could actually do this. You said that your your afternoons are are not your sharpest time, I think is how you described it.

How did you describe that? And I don’t want to put words in your mouth. Yeah, it’s there. I feel the most kind of scattered, I guess in in, in, you know, focus and attention. It is definitely harder to maintain for some reason during like the late morning and early afternoon throughout the day and for some reason with me at night, it’s a lot easier.

So it’s very bizarre. Yeah. Okay. But would you be able to search for venues or open mic opportunities at that time? Yes, absolutely. Okay. It seems like easy enough thing to do. Just Googling some things. And yeah, I’ve been calling places because a lot of times, you know, there’s always somebody usually at a bar or something or, you know, at a coffeehouse that you can get in, you know, somebody whose name or email address that you can get that and then make the emails, you know, contacts for them.

Okay. Are there other tasks around this that could happen at that same time? Let’s see. Let me think. What else? Well, you know, I mean, one thing that’s important that I have been thinking about a lot because, you know, I have a little bit of a medical background, but I’ve been thinking about going back to school and I’ve been thinking about maybe taking classes online.

And, you know, it’d be ideal to do that. It’s I’m, you know, my first caregiver. And so I was thinking that that would be a really good idea is to schedule some kind of a class or two classes in that period because that would, that would definitely keep me engaged and kind of I would feel I would feel like I was more productive, you know, if there were something like that going on during that period.

Okay, so what are you what are the next steps for that? Is there a local college that you would look for? Is it just looking for classes online? What would that be like? So the next step, which is something that I have been procrastinating to do, has been to contact the continuing Education Department here at our local college and the community college here and ask them, you know, to get started on, on, on.

Usually it’s like a first you consult with somebody, an advisor for the first time and they, you know, they talk about your, you know, your degree that you have. And then, you know, going forward, what are you looking for in terms of like what kind of a certification or, you know, to your degree? I’m looking for something that’s probably going to be more like two year degree.

So that whole thing would be like a, you know, like starting with them, starting with with somebody, you know, at the point of contact at the college and then, you know, working with them and why haven’t you done this already? What stopped you? I don’t know, but I wish I knew. The answer to that is coaching and coaching.

We like to say, I don’t know, is not allowed. What if you didn’t know why? Why have you not picked up for the progressive nation and you know, the more I think about it, I guess things like that. For some reason, I, I know that they’re important, but I guess I, I do suffer a lot of avoidance issues and I have a lot of problems with avoiding things.

Now, with that, I wonder if it could be things like, you know, the process is so long and it could be, you know, what you could take for a long time to do. And, you know, one of those things and I just worry that, you know, I just not going to be able to focus with it and keep, you know, stay focused doing it.

So I it’s hard to say, but I like a lot of times for me, things that I are are maybe a little bit more of an undertaking because, I mean, like for the school thing, for example, you would first have that first initial consultation and then I would have to start looking at, you know, classes and schedules, see what works.

Then I have to look at like financial, there’s any financial aid available and it’s just a whole thing. And it just it’s hard for me for some reason I when it comes to big undertakings, I usually I just kind of I put it in the, you know, the back back end and you said, I’m not going to stay focused doing it.

It’s when you’re saying that, are you talking about going from step to step to step or are you talking about the two year degree? No, no, no. I’m talking about step to step. That is very hard for me to start something and then stay focused, doing it when it’s a longer type thing, like, let’s say, working at my mother’s doing yard work for an hour.

That’s something very simple for my mind to do because I know to go over there and do it. The the school thing is, in my mind, a little more overwhelming because I start the process and it may take an hour or two. And then I start I realize that I have to start doing other things. They’re going to take another couple of hours here, another couple of hours there, and that, for some reason has always just been kind of a hard thing for me to say.

I get bigger projects or I’ve always been kind of harder for me to deal with whatever. So what I’d like to offer here is like, what if we just don’t look at this as a big project? What if it’s simply contacting the continuing education and financial aid and all that? Let’s not have it all happen at the same time, which is what’s happening in your brain, right?

It’s kind of all. Yeah, it’s all happening at the same time. But it’s just especially when you have an advisor, you could simply, if you’re feeling stock or if you’re feeling like you’re avoiding something, simply go to the counselor or the advisor and just go, Can you help me with next steps? What’s next here? Or ask yourself, what’s what’s just the next step that I have to here and not worry so much about timing or getting in at a certain semester or but at least you’ve got the ball rolling.

Does that feel more doable? It does. It always kind of that when you say that, I always think about that quote. What is it? The journey of a million miles starts with one step or whatever it is. And that’s something that I realize, you know, there’s so many things in my life that for whatever reason, it’s been so hard to make the first step.

You know, I just don’t know what it is. It’s I’m sure a lot of it is things I mean, a lot of it is emotional. You know, it has an emotional side to it. But then at the same time, you know, for people with ADHD, it is very difficult for us to get started on projects. I’m the worst with it.

I mean, I really it’s hard for me to get started on something, you know, and then trying to follow through with it. And whenever you’re having trouble getting started with, the first thing I want you to do is ask yourself why? What what’s holding me back here? And just answer your question. Because a lot of times what will happen is we will ask ourselves, like, why am I not doing this?

I’m sure you’re asking yourself all the time right now. Why don’t why don’t I just get started on this? Well, ask yourself why and then answer the question. And it could be like, I’m just feeling like this is a really big thing. Okay, well, is it a really big thing? And the answer might be yes or it might be yes.

And all I have to do is do this one next step, and that might be helpful. The other thing that I actually talked to, the last person that I coached on here is break it down to the smallest thing. Like if it’s simply picking up the phone, break it down to that and maybe give you your continuing education, you know, goal.

Maybe you just give it five or 10 minutes a day. That’s all you’ve got to do, because too often we will trick our brains into doing something for a really long time and it’s a slog. And the next time we go to do that thing, our brain is telling us absolutely not. No. Last time that was terrible. You know, the thought.

Go ahead. Yeah, that’s I mean, I can already imagine that a lot of times when I try to undertake things like maybe trying to, you know, get shows and stuff lined up where I kind of tell myself I’m one of those people that always that really kind of, you know, I have to do things. I’m kind of a perfectionist, you know, So when I when things like, you know, like, say, taking a the show thing, for example, I you know, it’s it’s hard for me because I’m not the most assertive person either.

And honestly, I have some issues with, you know, with socializing with people, you know, strangers and things. Anyway, so I get real like tense when I think about, like, okay, I make the first call or the first email to contact this person about playing a show. And it just because in my mind it’s all these things that these catastrophic things happen, you know, these things like it’s not going to happen, you know, they don’t want me to play or, you know, just weird, you know, irrational things.

You know, that’s that’s a big problem for me is I got a lot of irrational, you know, st’s going on up in my mind that I go down and they’re just thoughts that your brain is offering you to protect you. Because putting yourself out there is scary, right? Yeah. And your brain, it’s like, let’s just not do the scary hard thing.

Yeah, absolutely Not all these reasons not do it well. And that’s one of the things that with the mindfulness I have been doing lately is it’s really, it really has been a game changer because I do realize that once I can start to feel a particular thought that I know is going to turn to an, a, an obsessive, you know, loop that’s going to go on for hours, even days, maybe I can drown myself and realize that this is just a thought and it’s and it doesn’t mean anything.

And for so long it’s been so hard for me to I don’t know, for whatever reason, I guess maybe imaginative or creative people have this too, but we just we really our thoughts are like us, you know? And to us, they’re real. You know, that’s real. It’s it’s, you know, tangible, you know? And so it’s it’s hard for a lot of us, I think, to get into that mode where we realize that our thoughts aren’t real.

They are just synapses of our brain trying to tell us, you know, to keep itself safe in an overdoes with the anxiety. Yeah. Have you heard? I talk about the brain’s priorities, which is to, like, keep us safe, keep us comfortable. And, you know, I can’t remember the three that I usually say right now, but that is our brains priority and it will offer anything for that.

And I’m sure I’m sure you experienced that when when like you stopped drinking, for example, like your brain probably offered you all the reasons you should keep doing that and. yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Substance abuse, that’s a very big thing. A good example of that is there’s a product here in the United States called Kratom. It’s something that’s going around where it’s kind of a thing that people take to feel good.

It’s it’s sold at all the gas stations. And one of those things is it becomes in itself very addictive. And so my brain, when I quit taking it, is constantly telling me, you know, it made you feel good. It even made you a little more focused. Why not try taking a little bit again and, you know, maybe this time you won’t get up to it.

But it’s always the same. Things always happen. So yeah. So one thing that you talked about, like the you didn’t call them that, but like the ruminating thoughts or the ones that like grab a hold and then kind of take you through the day. One tool that I really like to use, I use this myself, I offer it to my clients is once you have one of those thoughts that you notice, it’s like you’re starting to go in a tailspin of negativity.

What I want you to do is grab a hold of that thought and go, Or I could be thinking and finish that sentence. And it’s something just it’s not positive thinking that won’t work. It’s not you lying to yourself. If the thought isn’t true, your brain is just going to dismiss it. It’s going to go, no, that’s that’s not facts, but something neutral, at least, you know, like it could be.

Say you’re thinking about doing an open mike and you’re like, They’re going to hate my music. And you start going down, down that road. It’s like, Or I could be thinking, somebody is going to connect with this music. Yeah, or I could be thinking, this is just a good experience for me or thinking, you know, and do about three things that are true to you and don’t have to be a positive thought can even just be neutral, but just to get you in a better place and about three rounds of that will shut down that thought and I really like do Yeah, like a B thinking.

And to me that’s one of the things about it is is that we well me personally, I know and I’ve talked to other people with ADHD and OCD that are like that. We are so certain that the thoughts we’re thinking are are what’s going to happen for whatever reason. We yeah, we are like, okay, this is what’s going to happen.

So trying to train my brain to say there is I have no idea that this is what’s going to happen because it hasn’t happened. There’s other things could happen, good things that could happen, and that does work. That does work and kind stopping the the rollercoaster from going Yeah. And there’s there’s in coaching we call it brain ahead of time and what do they say?

Only 30% of the things that we worry about actually happen. yeah. And even less than that probably for me. I mean because, you know, I worry so much about so many things and it’s probably way less than that. So, I mean, yeah, you just we become our own kind of, you know, like a horror movie or something.

You know, we just we think we know what’s going to happen. It’s going to be catastrophic, but it never turns out that way, at least for me, you know? Yeah. So. So and that’s that’s just a good thing to notice. Like, you’ve got all this evidence that the worry is unnecessary, but your brain is practiced in worry. And so you can just go as soon as you notice the worry probably makes you feel a certain way in your body, which as ADHD or sometimes we’re not very connected to our bodies until we’re like in it, and then we’re like, Why?

I am I feeling terrible? What what’s happening here? It’s like, well, that’s because I’ve been worrying for the past 30 minutes about this, about this thing. So that’s a good break. Let’s jump into the mindset of performing. Okay. What happens for you? Like what are you when when’s the last time you performed life? it was actually not too long ago.

I was like, But, you know, again, it was one of those things where I it it for, for whatever reason, I, whenever I do perform, my mind is completely not there with my performance. It’s scanning. It’s looking for people who I think might be bored, might not like it. It’s going through an avalanche of negative thoughts about like just anything else.

It’s so weird. It’s hard to explain, but it’s just like your brain is screaming almost that it shouldn’t be doing this. And it’s it’s I don’t know why it’s like that. I think, you know, my past, if I ever had any kind of major thing and, you know, like any kind of traumatic thing. There’s been a couple of things.

When I was younger, when I was, you know, doing performance where maybe I cracked a note, but for whatever reason, it’s just so hard for me to stay focused on doing it, you know? But I know that if I could do that, that’s where I want to be. I want to be a performer who’s focused on actually performing and not caring about everything else.

Yeah. And so that’s yeah, it’s very hard for me to do that. What I want you to notice is just some of the stories that you’re telling about yourself that might not be helpful. And like your language around this is, you know, I’ve never been able to so what is something that would kind of just move you towards being open with being more in your performance instead of scanning the audience looking for something that might go wrong?

Well, a good thing that I’m that actually kind of happened a little bit towards the end of when I performed last time, because I was I was, you know, performing for maybe about, I don’t know, 10 minutes. And I started to really think I should be focused on my playing right now in my, you know, like the guitar and stuff and focus on hitting the right notes and and kind of, you know, trying to give as best of a performance.

And I noticed that when I started thinking that it did start kind of put me more into this mindful thing of I am here right now performing in front of these people. I am not in this alternate universe where people are, you know, they think that I suck or whatever, and they’re, you know, whatever, this is what’s happening now.

And that that for me is such a major thing that I feel that if I can continue to let that grow, this, this whole thing of really existing in the now and learning that I’m here now, doing this, that that’s going to help me in everything with life, especially with anxiety and stuff, because it’s just a whirlwind of stories that’s going around.

You know, it really affects us from doing things, you know, physically doing things. Yeah. And where I’m grabbing a hold of this and other areas and I put this down in the notes that I’m taking here, as you said, I suffer from avoidance and many people are telling that story. Whatever we’re thinking becomes our result, Right? Know our thoughts, create our feelings which make us take or not take certain actions and get us the results that we’re getting.

And so I would just start to grab a hold of these little things that you’re thinking about yourself. I think you’re in a really good place with the fact that you found a depression medication that’s working well for you and you’re doing your mindfulness. This is a really good place just to start noticing those thoughts that are not helpful.

But one thing with your performance that might be helpful and it sounds like you did that, but maybe a little phrase that you could offer yourself when you notice because it’s practiced, you’re going to go back to scanning the audience. You know, it’s it’s something that you’ve done a lot and just reminding yourself, like, come back something, something until you can say to yourself, that’s that simple, that cues you to go, okay, I know I should be worrying about my music here and and that would come back be something that would be helpful.

Like when you notice your. Yeah, you’re off. Yeah, it would because it’s, it’s kind of like I would be telling myself, is it gentle enough? That’s the question too. Yeah. Yeah. yeah. I think it is. I think it is. And it would be because I would be coming back to ultimately it’s, you know, my performance is what I’m doing and I guess, you know, worrying about what other people think about your performance, you know, when it fills your head, it feels like coming back to being mindful of doing it.

I can be. And that’s the other thing and not perfect about it, but just say I’m going to give my best performance I can, but I’m going to I’m going to focus on doing this performance and not let all the other things kind of be the, the, the detractors. And whenever I start to veer off to get that, it’s I am getting better.

It’s real hard for me and I’m sure a lot of your clients, I don’t know I mean, because I do have OCD too, but it is super hard to pull ourselves, believe me anyway, pull myself back to being mindful. I just it’s extremely difficult, but I want to continue to do it because I understand that, you know, over time it gets better.

And I think that one of the problems I’ve had with mindfulness is that I just didn’t keep going with with practicing it. I gave up on it and then, you know, back to, you know, living in your head all day. I love that you said that because the moment you said that I had already just typed, I’m practicing and I wanted to offer that to you.

So, yeah, I, I want you to just notice these things that you’re saying about yourself, and I want you to be gentle with yourself, because beating ourselves up over it not helpful. It just adds more negativity, right? And start replacing it with things like I’m becoming a person who because I’ve heard from you a lot and I that was my story, too.

It’s hard. It’s hard for me, right? And when you that’s not helpful because it’s hard for me, like kind of lets us take our hands off the wheel a little bit and go, It’s just hard for me. There’s nothing I can do about this except for being avoided, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I’m becoming a person who just reminding yourself that I’m practicing being more mindful when I’m playing my music.

Those kind of phrases where they’re not super definitive, but they’re more helpful to you and they’re true, right? You are practicing becoming a person who focuses on their one. Yeah, that’s. I didn’t even think about that. That makes a lot of sense. And then as far as the judgment of the audience, some people are going to love your music and some people are not.

Yes. And that’s that’s that’s the thing. You know, one thing I’ve read I remember reading this a while back with a lot of people ADHD have we have this weird ego thing where a lot of us are like, we think we’re, you know, just there’s a lot of ego stuff going on and one of the things that I’ve been kind of trying to to work out more is, is to be a type of person that, you know, I’ve always been a people pleaser.

So if when things go against that, that causes conflict and distress, you know, that causes, you know, bad feelings and negative emotions and thoughts, but with things like because I’ve been reading a lot about like acceptance, connected therapy, things like that, accepting that we have no control over what anybody else is going to think and what are we going to do.

We only have control over what we’re doing. So, you know, if I can understand that I get to a place where I feel that I’m giving a really good hundred and 10% performance each time, that should be enough for me. And, you know, if somebody there are people that aren’t going to like stuff, but I guess, you know, and that means nothing about you.

Yeah, exactly. And that’s the thing. It’s taking it out of us. That is such an important thing that I think a lot of a lot of people with A.D.D. and OCD and things like that, we are so self-absorbed and in our mind all the time that it’s it’s so hard for us to kind of see the forest for the trees that, you know, things are happening outside of our vision and not in our mind.

We’re just in our heads. And in our heads is the real life. And to me, it’s to to successfully kind of have the life that I want to have. I know that I need to kind of break that that kind of that barrier and understand that there is a whole world that’s happening outside of my mind and that, you know, things that I’ve always thought are the only way it’s going to be are not That’s not how it is.

It could be any way. So it’s just it’s very it’s very difficult to do. But I’m glad that at least 46 I’m able to figure out, you know, that that’s what it is, because I’d hate to have waited till I was 80 or, you know, just, you know, I wish I was 26 and I figured it out. But but we all have that right.

Exactly what you’re saying. Like, I’m going to say it in a different way, but we’re making it all up anyway. You’re making up what you’re deciding That look on that that person in the audience’s face means you’re making up stories in your head. And so why not tell good stories? Why not tell neutral stories? And I love this because what a better performer you’re going to be when you’re focused on your music.

It’s going to directly results in better output. I can tell you. I mean, just that last time I performed, I was I know that I was making mistakes because I kept thinking about everybody else and I was like, man, I was like, if I could just focus on you know, I’m because I do a lot of fingerpicking, a lot of, you know, kind of advanced guitar work stuff.

And I’m like, if I could just focus on this, I know I wouldn’t be making these mistakes, things that people probably don’t really recognize it, but I do because when I listen to like recordings of my own life stuff, I can hear those little mistakes. So I, I know intrinsically that when I’m when I’m like, really paying attention to my performance, I do I just I do extremely well.

But I can I can almost hear it in the live performance where I start my mind start to go and I start to lose focus on what I’m doing. I can even hear it even in the actual playing itself because disjointed, it’s tough. So I think a lot of I’ve done a lot of creative and performer people go to that Who have a B?

Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, I heard a coach like judgment or people rejecting us or something and it’s very kind of funny and helpful way. And she said basically, you are offering somebody spaghetti like let’s say you’re you’re your music, your talent is spaghetti. And the person’s like, No, thank you. I don’t like spaghetti. Well, there’s nothing we can do to change the fact that they don’t like spaghetti.

It doesn’t mean anything about us. They just don’t like spaghetti. And that’s okay. And some people love spaghetti, and so they just think of yourself. Yeah. Yeah. That’s where that people pleasing thing comes in. Because being hardwired to be a people pleaser, it’s always been very difficult when somebody has, you know, they don’t they don’t necessarily conform to what it is you’re trying to do or tell them.

There’s there’s just something that that isn’t. Yeah, it’s hard to describe it like you’re they have a different idea of it and it’s not something that in your mind is what you wanted to hear. And so that causes all this turmoil like is it me? Is it, you know, is it me? It’s got to be me. It’s, you know, you know, they don’t like me.

But see, it’s all coming back to the medium me thing. And that’s where I’m starting to realize that a lot of this, a lot of a lot of the stuff with therapy and and really trying to make ourselves better is is to take ourselves out of ourselves. Because I think that that is a major thing that if we can kind of bring ourselves out and realize that there’s a whole other world or the universe that’s not in our head, that that’s when you start seeing really good benefits.

And I can only tell that that’s been happening the last few days with Michael. I mean, I can hear it from you, from you describing like how you used to be and then some changes that you’ve made. You are you are changing. And that’s that’s good job. Good work. It is work, right? It is. It’s very hard work.

It’s not easy at all. It’s not at all. So I’m going to recommend a book to you. Do you are you a book person? Absolutely. I love books. Okay. So there’s a book called Loving What Is? And it’s by Byron Katie. It’s kind of a different name. And she teaches you in that book how to question your thinking.

That’s super helpful. Another author that that makes me think of another author we’ve been talking a lot about. That’s right. And you’re very cognizant that, like our thoughts are optional. They’re they’re not the facts like you now know that. No, I’m getting I’m giving you that point now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I gosh I’m his name is escaping me right now, but very famous author and he just talks about like your thoughts are like on a conveyor belt and you just happened to, like, pick a box up off the conveyor belt and that’s your thought and you could easily just put it back on the conveyor belt and just let it go through it.

Definitely making it a separate thing. And again, what’s that is what’s been so hard for me. And, you know, one of the things that I’ve been thinking about is I’ve been thinking this way for 46 years. So I can’t expect things to change overnight, you know, mindful will take time, think that these things are going to take time.

But making my thoughts appear like there’s a very there’s a whole thoughts on the leaves on a dream metaphor where your thoughts are leaves on a stream just letting them go. Yeah. And that’s to me, that is very, very it makes a lot of sense. So it’s just for me, the the, the difficult thing is, is always been consistently doing it because like I say, in the past, I’ve done it for maybe a good couple of weeks, even two or three weeks.

And then I just for whatever reason, I guess I just kind of get lazy with doing it or I just kind of think, you know, it’s too much and then I just stop doing it and, you know, it’s been, you know, two years since I’ve really started being mindful again. But something’s different this time. I feel that this time I feel a bit more like it’s going to stick.

So I feel like good news is you’ve got your mind with you wherever you go. So you can always do mindfulness work. And mindfulness work can be very simple. It can just really be looking at a thought that we’re thinking and going, Is that right? Just getting curious about it and questioning it. And another thought that I’ll offer you.

I’m getting better every day. Like, what if you just told yourself that like every time you’re like, no, I’m going to lose it. I’m not going to keep doing this thing. Just remind yourself, like, I’m getting better every day. Yeah, that sounds great. I definitely would try this. This wonderful idea. Yeah. Takes away the pressure of, like, having to change.

You’re right. Already six years is a long time to be thinking one way and then try to change to another way of thinking and hard. I’m offering you this personally because hard was my story. Everything. Hard life is hard. This is. And it caused a lot of overwhelm. It caused a lot of just yeah, just a lot of negative emotion.

And one thing that a coach offered me that I grabbed a hold of was what if it were easy and that is, you know, going in and getting the two year degree or doing the mindfulness work or following the new morning routine or whatever it is, like, what if it were easy? That opens up your brain. Not only does it take the pressure off, but it opens up your brain to like the possibility.

Exactly. This being easy, there’s an alternative. There’s an alternate road. It’s not always the same road that you’re always on. But that’s the thing that I’m certain to learned, is that there are alternate roads or alternate ways of living. There’s alternate ways of thinking, and it just the rigidity, you know, and that what that I don’t know where that comes from.

I have some ideas, maybe from familial, you know, genetics, but there’s a rigidity there. And I think that for me I’m going to find the best success is going to come from being more flexible and being more malleable when it comes to allowing other particular things to happen and giving that time, you know, And a good way to balance that rigidity to is what else is possible.

Yeah, exactly. Because I know, I know what you mean about that rigidity because before coaching, before getting certified in coaching, I was really a very much black and white thinker, you know, like it is this way or it is this way, this is right, this is wrong. And coaching really helped me and it helps me with my clients, especially because I can have clients with all different kinds of like backgrounds and thoughts and opinions and things like that.

And I can just take it all and go, yes, that is that is your reality. That is that is what is true for you. Yes. And that’s like getting in the gray, right. Where it’s not just the black and white anymore. And so I think that’s what you’re doing in your life is you’re getting in the gray with your thoughts, with what’s possible for you.

Yeah, I’m getting there now. And one of the big things that’s making me get there is I am 46 and I’m 50. You know, I just 50 is a number. But for me 50, I really want to be on a different trajectory. I want my life to be different. And I have well, I’ll be 47 in about two or three months.

So I have a good three years, you know, And I know it’s not going to be perfect, but I just want to be able to say that I made the attempt and I’m trying to do these things. That’s what’s important for me. So awesome. Awesome. All right. Well, thank you, Richard. It was so nice to meet you. I appreciate you being vulnerable.

This is going to help so many people that are dealing with the same kind of things that you’re dealing with. I love that you’re showing the possibilities. And I’m looking forward to you telling me that you did life performance. Yeah, absolutely. I know. Different. But you know how that fits. All right, All right. This is opportunity. I appreciate it.

It’s awesome. Thank you.

all right. Thank you so much. Okay. Take care. All right. Bye bye.