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    • Jul 25

ep 47: Friendship with Coach Zayne Khan


i know what to do so why can't i do it

Are you looking to improve your friendships and embrace your ADHD as a gift? In this enlightening episode, Zayne Khan, a friendship coach with ADHD, shares his insights on making and maintaining meaningful connections as an adult.


Discover how embracing your unique brain wiring can lead to more fulfilling relationships and personal growth.




What you'll learn:

  • How to make friends as an adult, especially with ADHD

  • Strategies for overcoming loneliness and avoiding false connections on social media

  • Techniques for capturing and refining ideas, particularly for those with ADHD

  • The value of embracing ADHD as a gift rather than a disorder

  • Practical tips for nurturing meaningful friendships

  • The importance of challenging limiting beliefs about friendship


"I truly do own that now as a gift and not something where it's like a gift, but executive dysfunction and deficit in disorder, right?" - Zayne Khan

Throughout this episode, Zayne offers practical advice and personal experiences to help you leverage your ADHD for better friendships. By implementing the strategies discussed, you'll gain the tools and insights needed to build and maintain meaningful connections in your life.


Useful Links Mentioned:


No matter how challenging your ADHD symptoms or social situations may seem, this episode is a powerful reminder that meaningful friendships are possible. Start embracing your unique brain wiring today, and watch as it becomes your asset in building connections.


Share your biggest takeaways and "aha" moments from this episode with us in the comments or on our social media channels or by sending a text message. We're here to support and celebrate your progress!

Remember: By accepting your ADHD, implementing practical strategies, and finding systems that work for you, you can transform potential challenges into strengths. Your ADHD doesn't have to hold you back. With the right mindset and tools, you have the power to thrive in both your personal and professional life.




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Click here to read the transcript:

Welcome back, guys. Today I am here with Zayne Khan. He is a coach and I am fascinated by his niche in coaching. He is a friendship coach. Zayne also has ADHD. I will let him introduce himself. Thank you so much for having me. Yes, I am a friendship coach.


I am deeply passionate about helping folks make new friends up, level their current friendships and move through friendships, friendships, transitions, breakups and conflicts is something that I've been passionate about for a long time, but I didn't really realize it could be a coaching these until somewhat recently. And I'm like, my gosh, this is the best thing ever.


And yes, I do have ADHD and I see a lot of overlaps between the challenges of like making new friends and like having ADHD and having that energy of, you know, ADHD and effervescence and hyperfocus into friend making events and containers. So it's just super fun and I can't wait to talk all about it with you here today.


I think ADHD people are the best friends to have and they also I mean, they're more fun. Let's just. Yes, I have a friend. my gosh. One of my close friends from the coaching world has ADHD. And when we talk, it's just like going all over the place. But neither of us need to apologize for it because we both have a very strong understanding of like why that's happening and we just talk about a million different topics and we just feel so full after.


So I agree. I have two friends that are also Elk's coaches that I it's so fun to bounce ideas off of them and to just talk about things. So one thing that I in our in our talk before that I really noticed came up a lot in our conversation is you talk about things to look forward to and I don't think we as adults set that up in our lives intentionally enough.


Can you talk to that? Absolutely. I think we're living in the moment, but not in the way that a lot of people talk about, where it's like, yeah, I'm living in the moment and I'm having a lot of fun. It's like we're just going through the motions and that can be really challenging and depleting towards our energy.


It's like when it comes to making new friends and especially when you have it easier, you have like, you know, energy bursts and energy flows that are kind of unpredictable at times. It's like you want to have something to look forward to, right? And I think as adults who are, you know, working hard, be it on your own business or when you're working for someone else, it can be really easy to like kind of get down on yourself thinking like, I'm doing the same thing every single day, every single week.


So having something to look forward to with friends and to setting something up, even if it feels a little like inconsequential or smaller to you at the end of the day can be so useful. Where it's not for work, it's not for money, it's just for you. And you know, that can be with friends, too, which I think is, you know, as a friendship coach, I highly recommend.


But you can be by yourself to like even going for a walk or just spicy things up a little bit, even like guys taking a different route home from work. I remember coming back from school. I did this one time. It was just kind of like a fun little thing. So I truly believe in that. Having things to look forward to and setting that up in your life in an intentional way makes like your workweek so much better.


Yeah. Yeah, I love that.


something to look forward to. I have noticed a lot with clients and with myself. Like sometimes life can just feel like Groundhog Day.


Like you feel like you're doing the same thing every time. And one thing that I've noticed is a lot of times we can feel like we just don't have the energy to pursue something after we've had a day of work. What do you say to your clients that are feeling that way? Well, they've reinforced that story so many times to them selves, to the point where it becomes a very strong belief in truth, where it's like, I just don't have the energy.


It's a very it's well-meaning meaning because it feels true. And yes, there is some physical tiredness and maybe emotional tiredness after a week's worth of hard work. But when you just tell yourself, I'm really tired, I can't do anything else, you're closing yourself off from so many amazing opportunities. I think opening that up a little bit and saying, Well, what?


What do I have energy for? Even if it's not going to a whole meet up event? Do I have energy for a five minute walk? Do I have energy to have a little two minute dance party in my room? Can I read a book that's not related to work or maybe even like a comedy book for 10 minutes?


Whenever we make such a dismissive statement where it's like, I just don't have the energy, even if it feels really true, we're just closing ourselves off from so many opportunities. So I would say the first thing is to challenge that thought that I don't have the energy, even if it feels like a physiological thing. I promise you, my friend, you do have some energy that you can at least explore with and play around with because it's like, you know, beating yourself up and telling yourself, I have I'm doing the same thing every week.


That takes energy, too. That takes emotional energy, and it can be very depleting. So it's like being open and not falling into that trap of I just don't have the time, energy or motivation I think could be really useful for anyone. Really. Yeah. And before we started recording, Zayne actually gave a really good example which was going to the gym and feeling like we don't have energy to go to the gym, but there's sometimes we're tired, but we go anyway and it's worth that, right?


Yeah. And it's like applying that same friend framework rather to friend making where it's like, well, if you have the energy to go to the gym, like what's the difference? And a lot of people will say, Well, I have to be on and I have to show up in my as my best possible self when I'm making new friends are going to a meetup event.


And I, I really challenge that because other people are there at the same time as you. They've had a really long week of work as well and they're just showing up as best they can reign. So now putting so much pressure on yourself to be the perfect person who is able to make the perfect jokes and have the perfect timing.


It's like it's okay to be yourself in these moments. And even if your self feels like you have 50% energy still using that energy to go have a good time at a meetup event or at a social event can be really useful. Yeah, and we discussed too that like being on that because I hear that from my clients that they have to be on and how exhausting that is.


And I think from I'm sure I pulled this from the discussion that we had, but I just imagine like what is it to like? Why are you not good enough just the way you are? And you are absolutely are good enough that way. Right. And not only that, but you're going to match energy with people that are truly like you rather than the version of you that you're trying to show them.


So. and 100%, when we say I have to be on what a lot of us means, I need to be a version of myself that isn't actually me. I need to either be like, really? Like I'm trying to think of a different word for now where it's like an exaggerated version of myself that is, you know, able to talk to as many people as possible and really play up my personality.


Or for a lot of people, they kind of go into themselves and feel like very like a watered down version of themselves where they're like, I don't want to like ruffles any feathers. I don't want to rock the boat, I don't want to offend anyone. I don't want to like, come on, too strong. So it kind of goes either way.


And I think it's so important to find that balance of like who you are is enough. And a lot of that is accepting the fact that who you are is inherently enough, but it won't resonate with some people. And that's okay. I love using the metaphor of a magnet where if a magnet attracts at a really strong level, it will also repel at an equally strong level.


So being able to have that framework for yourself and thinking, you know what? When I can be myself, my true, authentic self, some people just won't like me. You know, our mentor uses that phrase which I think was from someone else, that idea of like, you can be the juiciest peach on the tree and some people just don't like features.


Right? Right, exactly, exactly.


I work with mostly professionals and entrepreneurs and some students, and they are busy and they have they're like nose to the grindstone, they're building a business, or they're coming to me because they're, you know, feeling a little bit drowned in their work and or they want to organize their studies in such a way that they can, you know, be more efficient.


And these kind of setups make it where there's just very little room for friendship making. And I notice my students are pretty good about being very intentional and saying, okay, this weekend I'm going to go hang out with friends. But as adults, they have a little bit of a harder time with that and they find that business can be very lonely.


What would you say to people like that? I mean, it's true that business can be very lonely when you're working on paperwork. A lot of the times working on spreadsheets and word documents and emails, it can be very lonely. And even the social interaction you do have, it has a limit to it. There are things that are appropriate to talk about at work and things that aren't, and that will always be super clear.


And it's like it's almost like this tease where you're having social interaction, maybe even know someone who you might want to get closer with. But for whatever reason, like you're at work, it's not the time or a place to do so, right? So yes, it can be very lonely. But at the same time, when you're able to recognize that there's a solution to that, there's a solution to the loneliness, and that is using the energy you do have after work or or even like getting to know yourself better.


Because I always say like before, you're wanting to make new friends, it can be really useful to know, like, what kind of person of my like what hobbies do I enjoy? I find that so many adults have kind of lost the art of art and hobbies and creativity and, you know, that's where it can get tricky because it's like I can tell my client to go to a meetup event, but if they're like, I don't really know what I like anymore, you know, it's like even spending some time journaling or doing something for yourself is almost like a pre friend making activity where you're able to just connect to yourself in a way that is


in about your work. And it's like that way when you do meet people, you can talk about things that aren't just great. So yeah, it can be very lonely. And another thing I'll say on that is for anyone listening who thinks, you know what, when I get the or the promotion or when I have more financial freedom, that's when I'll have time.


From what I've seen, it's actually the opposite. When you have more responsibility, when you grow your business, or when you're at a higher position in your company, you actually just want to keep continuing and continuing the same pattern of like, you know, growing or making more money. You're taking on more responsibility because it's all you've ever done, right?


So it's like the best time to start exploring, making new friends and investing energy and getting to know who you are and what your hobbies are is right now, Right? Yeah, very good. It's so interesting that you talked about people not knowing what they like anymore because I remember one of my first, we were probably both part of self coaching scholars at some point, right?


But one of my first self coaching scholars coaching sessions where I was getting coached, it was me coming to them and going, I just I don't know what I like anymore. And it was just from feeling overwhelmed for so long that I had kind of felt like I lost that. But in talking it through with the coach, she noticed like, I see that you get very excited about this area and this area.


And, and I had this like list of things that I actually liked at the end. But we can often feel that way, especially those of us with ADHD where we're, you know, dealing with challenges that we kind of push out what we enjoy because there's too many responsibilities to take care of. And so I definitely resonated with that.


No, we're not here. Percent, I think with ADHD can be like definitely a blessing in the sense where when you're able to see where your energy is flowing, you can like time it and think, okay, I actually have a lot of energy now. I'm getting excited about making friends. Let's capitalize on this and go to a meetup event or talk to someone new or have a coffee chat with someone.


Right? But it can also be challenging too, where it's like a lot of us with ADHD have to spend more energy on some of those areas of executive dysfunction where, you know, planning organization, things like that. And it's like I spend so much time on that and energy where I just feel so depleted when it comes to other areas.


So it's like really finding that balance. And I recommended maybe you've talked about this before that like doing an energy flow audit for anyone with ADHD comes in so useful because it's like your energy flows will follow a pattern even if you do have ADHD. I find like I talk to a lot of my friends of ADHD and they found that there is still a bit of a pattern and things you can predict when it comes to your ADHD that will be related to like the amount of sleep you get in the food you eat just the time of day.


But there are absolutely patterns when it comes to the energy flow. So being able to use those and capitalize on those game changer, Very good. Yes. And then one thing that kind of came to mind is a lot of people try to substitute friendships with like social media. Do you talk about that much in the work that you do?


my gosh. I call it false connection. It's so I don't want to dog on social media because it's where a lot of my best, not even just for the fact that a lot of my business is there, but it's like I do see a lot of value in social media. I think it's done a lot of good in many ways.


And if you're wanting to make new friends or if you're just feeling lonely and you go on social media, it's so tantalizing because people are like, Well, you know what? I'll see like so many people and it's kind of connecting. I might even leave a comment on someone's video, but at the end of the day, you come off of scrolling on social media and a vast majority of us actually feel so much more lonely right, Because we didn't actually form any connection.


In fact, we've probably seen a lot of people doing the things that we wanted to do or we want to do, like connecting with other people, like going to the beach, going to, you know, meeting events or playing card games. It's like it can be really, really damaging to use social media as a way of like connecting unless you're very clear and intentional about it and unless you know for a fact that it's actually connecting and not what I call the false connection of just scrolling, seeing maybe thousands of people buy your schooling for an hour, but then feeling even more lonely after this is where that self-awareness is so important.


Yeah, I'll say more about that. The self-awareness, the self-awareness of knowing that after you spend time on social media, you're actually less connected and you feel more lonely because a lot of the allure of social media is like the habit of it. And when we can actually take a step back and zoom out and say, Wait a minute, I spent an hour on social media and I don't feel good at all.


I feel awful, I feel disconnected, and I'm even more wanting to make new friends. It's like even on some of these apps, I question my content output because I see some people talking about making friends on these apps, and the comments are just comment after comment and I'm so lonely. I just hate this so much. And at some level I'm like, okay, you have an outlet kind of where you can express up.


Is such a lack of a solution there for so many folks who are talking about being lonely. And, you know, some of these comments don't get any replies. And it's just like I question the value of even putting it out into the world, talking about how long you are. If you're doing that in a container, that's not going to offer you any kind of real support or a solution.


Yeah, it's just going to make it worse. It's so interesting because I was talking to a client, we talked about doing a podcast about this and it was about loneliness. And something that we had come to is like most people in our lives, like in your real life, aren't really talking about the fact that they're lonely. You might see them post on social media and things like that, and they might be very active on there.


But I think most of us, if we're not pursuing friendships with somebody like like you, that we are lonely, but we're just not discussing it. Do you find that to be true 100%? And I think that what's really nefarious about loneliness is it's kind of a cliche. You can be in a crowded room and feel so incredibly lonely.


You can be in a crowded room where people would look at you and think you're having the time of your life and feel so lonely because you're with people who you don't even connect with. It's like there's so many layers to loneliness where there's a loneliness we might think of where you're just in your room by yourself without friends and feeling that emptiness.


And then there's loneliness of being with people where you think you should be having fun, but you're not. That was a lot of my journey where I had friends growing up, mainly in elementary school and early high school, where I just didn't feel connected to them at all. But they had been my friends for a while and we grew up together.


But they make all these jokes that were hurtful to me, and I just I felt lonely. I felt like no one could understand who I was. I felt disconnected. I felt disrespected. So knowing that loneliness can show up in so many different ways, it's like, again, it's having that self-awareness and and really more so the courage of saying like, Wow, I'm lonely.


Whether you're with people, whether you're by yourself. It's like admitting that to yourself and I think it's really important. And you talked about this in one of your podcast episodes where it's like maybe not saying, I'm a lonely person, but I'm experiencing loneliness right? I think you talk to me about this in terms of anxiety. As an example, in one of your recent episodes where you're like, you don't want to say I'm an anxious person, but I'm experiencing anxiety, right?


So it's really useful, as you talked about, because it's like that's when you can have it as a temporary state of being rather than like something that like an identity that you're adopting,


right? So for anyone this now, like if you're feeling lonely, I just want to know how seen and heard you are and know that, like, there's so many different ways you can find that connection, no matter what age, what neurodiversity.


You know, you have like you can find those people. That's beautiful. Thank you. When you spoke of those friends that, you know, we're kind of your old friends, but we're no longer kind of aligning with your values and we're hurting your feelings, I'm sure not intentionally, But that brings me to like people in friendships where it's more draining than it is invigorating.


What do people do about that? Yeah, I think the first step is of course, recognition again is like taking a step back and it's really after the hangout and sometimes before to I remember I had friends like this even summer recently ish like seven years ago where it was a little bit different than feeling lonely, but they were draining as you're talking about here.


And it was like if you're feeling a bit of apprehension and dread before the hangout, that's a telltale sign that these are draining friends. And it can get kind of complicated because you can still have some laughs and some good times during the hang up. But then it's like afterwards you're like, I kind of wish I was at home instead of with these people.


So if you find that you're surrounded by people and friends who are training you, recognizing that first of all, by kind of taking an audit of your energy and your feelings based on before, during and after the Hangout, and also recognizing that, like, you don't have to settle, it can be really scary to, like, cut these people out, especially if it's like a group of friends, but maybe even exploring and and giving some time for yourself just to, like, be on your own.


I know it sounds kind of counterintuitive when we talk about loneliness, but just in the same sense that you can feel lonely when you're with other people, when you're spending true intentional time on your own. It doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely. Like if you're engaging in a hobby that you really like. Like when I'm playing the piano, I don't feel lonely.


I'm by myself, but I don't feel lonely at all. So if you notice that you're with these friends that are draining, I would say find some ways to gain that energy back, Get that autonomy back in your life where you can see, like, I am doing things that are filling my cup and that might be things that are, again, things that you're doing on your own, but it might be with other people too, where you're like, Okay, if I don't feel comfortable just cutting off these people right now, what if I go to a meet up event once every couple of weeks or a social or I see some friends of a mutual friend, whatever,


and you know, that can be my connection time. I can start to see people who aren't them just to gain some perspective. Right? So I think there are a lot of ways of disengaging from these joining friends. But the first step will always be that recognition and that honesty with yourself that they are draining for you. Yeah. And everything you're talking about has to do with connection.


And Dr. Hallowell, who is an ADHD expert, is always talking about connection. And how do you find that that works into like your personal life as a person with ADHD who is talking about friendship on a daily basis? Yeah, a lot of it is like I struggle with the word impulsivity. Sometimes I'll switch it out with spontaneity, which I do like, but with ADHD, a lot of us do have that impulsive energy or fun genius energy, and a lot of the times I want to just be able to talk to my friends about such random things because I'll have an idea that I would partially attribute ADHD.


And I'm like, I need to talk to someone about this. And sure enough, I have many different friends where I can talk about different things with, and I think cultivating that friend group is something that I really am proud of myself for because it took hard work even with my ex friend who we hit it off relatively right away.


It was like, you know, going to the 2020 coaching exchanges and things like that, right? So I would say like the way 80 she shows up in our friendships is it gives my brain an outlet to talk to people about these incredible ideas. And, you know, when I really think about it, it isn't just that Alesha's friend does ADHD.


It's my two closest in-person friends. They also have ADHD. I don't know why my brain didn't connect that until this moment, but they literally both have ADHD. I think they manifest a little bit differently than me and the friend from Alex, but they both also have ADHD, so they're always down for whatever random idea I have and they match the energy.


I'm getting excited just thinking about our moments where we get to, you know, talk about random things. So it's like for anyone listening or of finding people who match your energy is going to be really important. It's like there's the art and the science of friend making where the science kind of comes before, where you're like, Okay, what specifically am I looking for?


What are maybe some red flags that I don't really like? But then the art and the playfulness comes in when you feel that chemistry with someone for the first time, when you're like, my gosh, like I can see myself being friends with this person and this kind of ties back very ADHD in me, but it ties back to our conversation about energy because I promise you, you know, for everyone listening, when you go to the meetup groups and meet up events, even if you're a little tired, when you start to find people, especially if you have ADHD who vibe with you, where you can like bounce off and have a conversation with your energy


will start to go up. I think there is this misconception that not only is am I, like so tired after work and I just don't want to do anything, but the energy will continue to go down as I go to the meetup event. But that's not what I found to be true for me. Even my clients who don't have ADHD, that's not what they found.


Of course there's some initial awkwardness, but yeah, ADHD and friendships I feel like for me intersects in the most beautiful way. Yeah. And speaking of expressing like you're I call them big ideas that we, we get, you talked about a really interesting way that you kind of capture and then refine your ideas. Can you tell us about that?


Yeah. So I'm a very verbal person in case you, you know, have I realized by now and I love being able to just capture my ideas into a voice memo, A lot of people might suggest writing things down, which is cool if that resonates with you, but I find that I just can't write fast enough and I'd rather just talk into my phone.


So what I do for work specifically is I'll talking to my phone and then categorize the ideas I have for working my clients in terms of making friends up, leveling friendships and moving through friendship transitions, conflicts and break ups. But for my personal life, what I'll do is kind of like still talking to the phone and then I'll journal about a lot of these ideas.


So there's still kind of that categorization in there. And then after I've like toyed with it a little bit, I'll like start talking to my friends about them. I'm like, my gosh, I had this really cool idea about just like such random things. Like a lot of the times it is actually friendship, which is interesting. So I'm like talking to my friends about friendships and we're having like this op leveling moment where our friendships is getting better or more deep and I'm also being able to discuss a concept for work.


But it's just it's so fun, it's so awesome. So figuring out for you, listening like what is your best way of getting those ideas not even out into the world, but like out into your world? Is it journaling? Is that voice memo thing? Is it maybe some kind of art? There's so many different like songwriting, for example. I do as well.


There's so many ways of getting your ideas out there, and I think this is so useful for folks with ADHD because a lot of us have grown up with the idea that there's something wrong with us where, you know, we have the executive dysfunction, we have a disorder and a deficit. But when we can take these beautiful ideas and not just let them dissipate, and when we can see them on paper or hear them in a voice memo, that's when we can say, my gosh, I have something so incredible to contribute to.


Maybe the world, maybe my own life, maybe my friends ears, whatever, like that is one we can truly step into the power and the gifts of our ADHD. Yeah, that's beautiful. And just expressing those ideas. It's so interesting that that you talk. You said something so interesting, which was like not only out into the world, but out out in your world.


In our world, because it's like, you know, not everything needs to be like a monetized idea that we turn into something we can sell on Amazon. It can just be something that's so useful and important to us. And maybe we don't even share that with a friend. Maybe it's just a really cool idea that we get to have fun and stew on in our journals or in our brains, in our voice memos, whatever.


But like really recognizing that, my gosh, as someone with ADHD, I have such cool ideas and I would never want to let the other areas that I'm challenging overshadow the fact that I have this inherent creativity and big ideas. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful. It's so interesting that you talk about like getting those ideas out because as children, anybody that went through the traditional school system is told, what, be quiet, don't talk to your neighbor and that just doesn't work for us.


I actually had somebody on the podcast. I'm not sure when it'll come out exactly. I think it'll be the next episode, but it's Jeremy Baxter and he's now a manager with Walmart in Montana and has done really well for himself. But I taught him in seventh grade and he had ADHD and I and I recognized him immediately as like a super smart kid.


But what would be the problem is he'd start talking to his neighbors and the neighbors. He was done with his work, but the neighbors were not done. And so as a teacher, it was a problem. And but I just I recognize even as a person with ADHD, I was looking at this student going, please don't talk, you know, And so that opportunity to go ahead and talk and express these ideas to yourself and with your friends and and get them out, it's just it's so goes against how we how we grew up.


And so I think we often think we have to be quiet. And so yeah it's almost healing for that child version of us to where yeah of course well-meaning teachers had to tell us like a great that you're done or maybe you are done and whatever can be disruptive. I think that's one word that a lot of us ADHD folks can relate to is like that idea of being disruptive, right?


So letting our selves just have fun with these ideas and and letting ourselves find value and meaning and purpose within these ideas, regardless of what the what we do with them. It is really healing, I think, to that child version of ourselves. Well, and I'm sure it's just a small percentage of the ideas that I've had. But I have noticed that in our family life, in my relationship with my husband, and it's always my big, crazy ideas that are moving the needle forward in some sort of way, whether it's in finances or in something that we do with our home or something that we do with our kids.


It's always those ideas where he's like, here comes one again. Yeah, but they're so useful. And so I really appreciate your tool as far as like doing the voice note and refining it with you, with journaling and then talking with your friends. That's super interesting. And I would just add, being really aware of that inner critic that will want to come out and judge the ideas, say, that's not a good idea, or why would you even think that?


Like my friends listening, that it's not your voice. That is the voice of all the socialization, that conditioning that you've had growing up and really challenging that voice and seeing the idea for what it is. Yeah, I'm a not only that, I've experienced that with people in my life and I find that it's less about me. It's not that they are going against my idea or they think it's a bad idea, but it's about them and it's about the fact that they wouldn't do that or they wouldn't feel safe doing that.


And I have to say a lot of our ideas when we have ADHD aren't the safest ideas. We are willing to take risk. Yeah, and sometimes that's the best stuff we can do. 100%. That happens in friendships. Who just in general where whenever we share something with a friend or whatever, a friend, share something with us, we're filtering that idea or that advice or that sharing through our own personal lives.


For friend gets a promotion, a part of us if we're struggling at work, will think I'm struggling and then we'll try and come back and help our friend and celebrate our friend. Right? So 100%, it's hardly I mean, it's never to do with us. It's always their perception or their filtering of what we're sharing with them. Yeah, Yeah.


That's so interesting. I got coaching one time about a friend that was giving me some advice and how that advice would kind of rub me the wrong way each time she gave it. And it was kind of the same advice over and over again. And the coach said, Isn't that cute? That she thinks, you know how you should run your life?


And I was like, well, that takes away all the like, she shouldn't do that or whatever. It's like, isn't that cute? Like in a loving, light kind way. Like, that's adorable that she thinks she knows what you should do with your life. And that was just so helpful. And it was able to I was able to really preserve the friendship because I'm like, she's just going through her own filter of how she thinks I should handle things and I can just let her have that.


And and that. Isn't that cute? That's really stuck with me. Yeah, it's powerful just letting our friends do their thing and recognizing when there's an actual issue that needs to be talked about or when they're bringing up something in us that needs to where we need to do our self-reflection and exploration, right? Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay.


So you had a really good way of describing ADHD where you would come across something I think you said in a message board or something like that?


Yeah, in one of our groups where someone said, just I forget what the context was, but they were sharing, I'm gifted with ADHD, and while I've always been looking at the gifts of ADHD, I've never until that point, said I'm gifted with ADHD and I truly do own that now as a gift and not something where it's like a gift, but executive dysfunction and deficit in disorder, right?


Because of verbiage around it. She is very disempowering, especially as kids like we don't know what executive dysfunction is or I mean, we do in the sense of like, we know there's something wrong with us, but we can break it down or certainly help ourselves with it unless we have professional help. Right. Deficit, we know it probably isn't a good thing as a kid, but we again don't have the skills to really disentangle what it means and what a dozen and then disorder.


We're like, okay, great. All of this language that is disempowering. It's like the biggest gift was being able to see my ADHD as a gift and know that like, I get to contribute so much more to this world because I have ADHD and not even just with the ideas that I get to disseminate out into the world, but with the fact that I get to relate to so many people with ADHD who also have experienced the same challenges growing up, and especially for, you know, my cousins who have ADHD or even other teenagers who I've mentioned in the past, it's like being able to have that perspective is just something I would never have treated


with. Like if I had a button that said Cure AIDS two years ago and I would not press it, you know, not I wouldn't even consider it. Me either. Me either. I have always been on the side of the positive side of ADHD, and I have come across people that want to see it as like a disease in their mind and something like that.


And I just don't see how that serves us. And so what I would say to those listening is if if you are doing kind of what Zayne said here, you know, there's positive things about it, but I would just question, how is that serving you? Would it serve you better to see the positives, whatever we focus on is what we're going to get more of.


So do you want to focus on your difficulties or do you want to focus on your how it's benefiting you? And that's not to say that you won't. I mean, that's what I'm here for, right, is to help people with their challenges and difficulties and make them better. But we can still grow without focusing on those difficulties, without being frustrated with those difficulties, without making the I always say, making it a problem.


We don't have to make it a problem that our brain works this way, that we get distracted or that we procrastinate or things like that. And as soon as we make it a problem, you're just making it so much worse. And so I just choose to focus on the positive part of it. Yeah. So that I mean, you just talked in a podcast about like expanding your capacity for discomfort, right?


And like, there are tools that you teach where, yeah, there are challenges with ADHD, but thankfully we have people like you and so many others who can teach us how to manage those challenges. And then when you can manage the challenges with which kind of let's take continued effort, it's like you're left with all the beautiful gifts which are connecting conversations and, you know, effervescence and big ideas and creativity, hyperfocus, so many different things that just make us so beautiful and so give us so much value that we can put out into the world.


Yeah, I just had a comment on YouTube today where they they said, How do I shut my brain off? And it goes back to what you were saying. It's like if I had a switch, if I had a button, I wouldn't press it. And I guess my first thought is like, why do you want to why do you want to shut it off?


Like, maybe you just want to learn to direct it better. Maybe you want to take Zain's tool of talking about your ideas into a voice memo or something like that. And capturing them. That's a lot of questions with clients too, is like, how do you capture these ideas? And so there's the side of like, my brain has too much chatter, and then there's the other side of like my brain has so much chatter.


How do I capture at all? How do I not lose any of it? And it's an interesting way people see it differently, just from a different perspective. Totally. I think it's like that transition period is hard for people as well, where they're going from. I just I don't like my brain. It sucks. I just wish I had a different brain to my gosh, all these ideas I need to categorize.


So I think being able to really help folks who are in that middle and I think you do that so beautifully or with all the tools you offer as well. Yeah. So thank you. Thank you. There have been periods in my life, and I'm sure many of the listeners have experienced this too many of us diagnosed with ADHD will first get diagnosed with anxiety or depression, and they think that's the problem.


Before getting into the ADHD, especially those of us diagnosed late in life. And I noticed when I would kind of go into depressive periods, so I wouldn't like necessarily I read a book in my twenties called Feeling Good, and I never had that like go to bad depression again. It was just fantastic. And it just was it was exactly what we learn in coach training, which is our thoughts create our feelings which make us take or not take certain actions which get us the results that we get.


And once I understood that concept, I was like, okay, these thoughts are causing me to be depressed. I get it. But there would be depressive episodes in my life and my husband would notice that the dial would be turned down on my ideas, that my brain would kind of like turn down. And then once I would come out of these periods, he'd say, That's when all the ideas came back.


And so I think to where the reason I bring that up is I think this is so much of who we are that I don't think fighting it is useful. Yeah. So also it's like we have the brains that we were given and yeah, there are parts of it that some mizrahim like I wish I could focus for more than an hour, you know, and I know I can put in the work and use tools and sometimes I just don't want to.


Sometimes I just want to own where it's like, you know, this is where I'm at with my ADHD today. This is where I'm at with my focus, my procrastinate. And it's okay. I remember one of my teachers at CDC said I put out such an incredible value and so much like juicy goodness into the world where it makes up for all of the times when I'm like, depressed or can't focus or I'm procrastinating.


Right? And I think that's something for people to consider, too. It's like the quality of the work we can put out as ADHD. Focus is like so high and so powerful, so when you can lean into that and just honestly see the gift of your ADHD, I think is really powerful. I think for anyone listening, that's important where it's like even if you're not going to act on the gifts right away, entertain the idea that there are gifts there.


00:40:16:03 - 00:40:42:01

Unknown

You know, I love that. I love that. So back to your expertise before we close up here, what key advice would you give people about friendship? Yeah, the I'll give like three really quick ones here. The first one is please stop telling yourself it's hard to make friends. Insert blank limiting belief after 40, after getting married, living in this specific city.


I promise you, when you think that you're going to feel discouraged and disappointed, resistant, you're not going to take action from there, and then you're just not going to have the friends as a result. Right? So you just called me out right now, and I think we all do it right at some level, but really challenging that mindset.


The second thing, and I kind of talked about it before, be comfortable being magnetic, which means you don't have to put on this act, but you will repel certain people when you're making new friends and when you're going to meet up events, but you're going to attract them at the same level right? And the third thing is figure out what you enjoy.


A lot of you listening may be disconnected from your hobbies or your interests, and that is okay. You know, we are in this capitalist society and we do have a lot of big goals and that's a beautiful thing. And being able to apply some of that energy to figuring out who you are, be it maybe you like instruments or animals or walking or coffee or whatever it is.


Spending some time figuring that out can be so useful and then acting on it by going to a meet up event and not putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Maybe just committing to one a month or one every two weeks, but really doubling down and saying, you know what, I'm going to go to the summit to prevent.


I'm going to show up, not as a virgin. I think I need to be, but who I am in that moment with whatever energy I have, knowing that when you find the right people, the energy will increase. So those are kind of my three little tips there. Love it. And that really wrapped up a lot of what we talked about.


I love that. So if people want to connect with you, Zain, where would they do that? Yeah. So I have my podcast Making Friends Made Simple, where I really outline a lot of this and talk about a lot of this in depth and things that are specific. We can making friends up, leveling your current friendships and taking her friendships, I'm sorry, moving through friendship, conflicts, breakups and transitions.


So you can definitely check that out. I have my Instagram, my Facebook. I'm a lot of places, so hopefully in the show notes they can check all that out. But my kind of free offer right now is I have a guide on how to make friends from these meetup events that I keep on talking about, where I teach you like how to actually motivate yourself, how you can initiate conversation being approachable versus approaching.


And then the follow up as well. I have a full PDF guide and also a training video on that that we can hopefully leave in the show notes. Yeah, absolutely we will. Yes. Very I'm going to follow your podcast today. I'm super excited about it. All right. Well, Zayne, thank you. This has been a wonderful conversation and I sure appreciate you being on here.


Yes, thank you for having me so fine. Thank you.


 


















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